Trust

Perrin has written here about his difficulties with a long distance relationship.
I too struggle with that in my own way. I am very aware of my fear of abandonment. Irrational it may be, but it is deeply rooted in my life and cannot simply be ignored.

It took literally years for me to trust that Perrin would stay with me. He would say to me ‘Trust me’ and I would tell him then that I did trust him, as much as I could trust anybody, knowing that was not enough.  Even now believing in him as I do to the depths of my soul I still find the occasional doubt surfacing and needing to be banished.

When I find submission hard though and I struggle against him, he now says to me ‘Trust me’ and it is both a challenge and reassurance. I let go then, and let him take me where he wills.

Still each relationship must build its own trust, and for me that is a hard process every time. I struggle to believe in love, that I am lovable or loved. I know that in itself makes me harder to love. On the other hand I do truly appreciate those who make the effort to love me though.

It is not an entirely unconscious process. I make deliberate efforts to trust, to hope, to love despite the dark voices in my head. Because the people I love deserve every effort I can make for them.

So please, forgive me if I get this wrong. I’m doing the best I know how to do. I will try and trust that it will be good enough.

Distance

I have, in pretty much every relationship I’ve had, been either living with the other person, or (at university) been sleeping with them pretty much every night. I think that has caused me some problems in the few relationships I’ve had that didn’t fit this model.

I was a late starter, relationship wise. But when I did finally get a steady girlfriend (call her E), the relationship lasted over a year. Not bad for someone I met in the queue to open a bank account in my first day of university. With E, we had a pretty intense relationship in which we spent almost every night together during the term, and had a few empty weeks missing each other over the holidays.

This was a pattern I was to repeat though my years at university.

When Caitlin and I got together, due to circumstances, she moved straight in with me, and we can’t have spent more than a handful of nights apart since. This has left me, I feel with a slightly different view of relationships to lots of people. As we were thrust together so suddenly, and while very much desired, also quite unexpectedly, we had to cope with all the stresses of living together, with none of the being able to retreat to our own houses for some space.

We really wanted it to work, and so we talked through all the problems and arguments; something that aides us today as we embark on our open relationship.

So, back to the subject. Amy, our girlfriend, does not live that close, and can’t visit nearly as often as we’d all like. So for the first time in my life, I’m having to have a relationship at a distance. Its been very enlightening, and has made me think lots about how I view trust and jealousy.

I, of course, trust Caitlin. We’ve shared so much that it really couldn’t be otherwise. With Amy, though, I’ve had to accept that I’m not there all the time, and have to trust her.

I do, by the way!

Its something that probably comes naturally to most people, but is not something I’ve had to deal with up to now. Amy also has her own life to lead, distinct from Caitlin and mine.

This physical distance also means that contact is quite different to the time I spend with Caitlin. When Amy is with us, the time is finite, and feelings and touches something to savour, as there will be a gap before they can be repeated. It makes for very interesting times.

I’m very happy.

Good Girl, Bad Girl

If you can’t be good, be good at being bad.

My behaviour seems to have changed recently. I had been trying to be the perfect submissive, utterly obedient, well-behaved, that kind of thing. I wasn’t very good at it, of course, but I was working on it. Recently though, I thing I have stopped really trying to be a good girl, and have become rather a cheeky one.

Part of this is due I suspect to the fact that Perrin now has a ‘good girl’. She obeys without hesitation. She’s quiet and submissive when spanked where I start yelling and struggling. She doesn’t answer him back or argue when asked to do something.

I’m in awe really at how well-behaved she is.

I guess I don’t feel I can achieve that. So I find myself being the bad girl. Cheeky, disobedient, always pushing. Arguing, second guessing and complaining.

Part of it is my struggle to trust, to let go, to let Perrin take charge without opposition. Part of it is the need not to fail at anything. Better not to try, than to try and fail. It gets me attention too, which I guess is also what I’m after.

Indeed I wonder whether Perrin wants me to be good, or if he enjoys the challenges of having a ‘bad girl’. Perhaps if I was a good girl too it would be less fun for him (not that there’s any danger of me ever perfecting the role).

Am I a bad girl or a good one? I like being the good girl, I do, I love the praise that comes with it and the feeling of having given myself freely. But sometimes my doubts and insecurities push me into being bad, sometimes it’s a relief to rail against the inevitable submission.

I struggle to understand myself here, so I’m hoping that Perrin and I can find some time to try some role plays soon to help us explore these two sides of submission and understand a little better.

Relationships and communication

Have we become too used to modern communication?

When I was growing up, you could write to someone, visit them, or phone them. And you couldn’t leave messages on the phone if no one was there. The phone was attached to the wall too (permanently, in our case), so there was no escaping to the privacy or a bedroom.

This meant we all formed our friendships in person. To talk to a friend, you had to arrange a time where you’d either both be near a phone, or meet in person. Everyone would spend time apart from their friends, and really enjoy the times you had with them.

We now have mobile phones, the Internet, email and Twitter. Our friends can follow our actions almost as we make them, whether they be next door, or the other side of the planet. This is a good thing! Rather than being isolated, everyone (with a computer) can express themselves, find like minded individuals, form friendships that were unimaginable just a few years ago.

And yet…

I think maybe I (we?) might have lost something in this. Where is the trust I used to have, that just because I hadn’t seen my friends for a few weeks over the school holidays, we were no longer friends? Just because a friend has not been in contact, does not mean that they are not a friend, just that you need to catch up.

I write this in part because tomorrow I’m going to be visiting a friend who I have known since I was 12. For most of my adult life, she has been living with her partner, and had been married to him for the last 9 years, or so.

You may note the past tense. In the space between my last contact with her, and now, a gap of over a year, her marriage broke down, and they are now divorced.

While you might argue (rightly imho) that I’ve not been a very good friend, a friend I remain – no question about it, despite the many and various gaps in communication that have occurred in the quarter century that I’ve known her.

I would do well to remember this trust, and apply it to my other friendships, online and offline. Friendships are very important, communication is valuable, but it doesn’t have to happen continuously.

ivy

Surrendering Limits

This is the ‘after’ part of the previous post.

I went upstairs and sought reassurance from Perrin. Asking him what I got in exchange for trusting him? It wasn’t the real question. He asked me if I was frightened, and I realised that I was. The question I was asking was simply, what protection did I have against him abusing my trust.

His answer was beautiful, “You have my heart, always”.

So simple, the truth. This relationship, our marriage, so precious to both of us. He wants no more to damage it than I do. That love ensures what I already knew; that his power is used for good. Pain used only to bring pleasure.

We discussed my limits together, in the light of this security, and he asked me which ones I was prepared to give up.

I asked which ones he wanted.

“All of them”.

That moment when the ground drops away, and your heart stops. Could I? Honestly, I don’t know if I could obey if he pushed those limits, but I can agree to try. In truth, can any human being ever truly promise more than to try?

So I surrendered. “Take all of them” I said.

We kissed. We made love. A master and his slave girl. Control surrendered and replaced with trust.

I feel happy, ecstatic, at peace. This feels right. The decision made, sits easily on my shoulders.

I was afraid I would feel powerless, unable to function. Unable to make my own decisions, where I must. Afraid that feeling helpless would make me afraid to live my life.

Today, I feel none of that. Today I feel strong, powerful, complete. Able to be who I truly am, and trust in Perrin’s hand to guide me.

Today nothing has changed.

Today everything has changed.

Considering Limits

I wrote this at 5am this morning and it is already out of date, but Perrin asked me to post it anyway. This is the ‘before’ part of my thoughts.

I’m very aware at the moment that I have a set of ‘hard limits’ which delineate Perrin’s control over me.

One set is sexual/kink related of course. Mostly those overlap with Perrin’s preferences, but I have a few additional restrictions. I’m well aware how easily I could be persuaded to ‘stretch’ those, if not drop them altogether; however they do consist of things which quite honestly I don’t think I can handle either mentally or physically at the moment.

The other set is areas of ‘real world’ things which I don’t want to change, or that I don’t think I could handle not being in control of. These are limits which I’m quite protective of, partly simply for myself, and partly because I want to protect Perrin from doing something which would hurt me and therefore damage my trust in him.

In a conversation yesterday he said he wanted to ‘replace my hard limits with trust’. It’s this which is fascinating me at the moment. To what extent am I responsible for my sanity or happiness. Would giving Perrin the power to destroy it be a bad thing. In many ways of course he has that already, even within my limits, the potential for damage is huge. Too, I believe he wants me to be happy and sane, if something is really important to me, why would he not give it to me?

Perhaps I believe that power is irresistible. If I tell him he can do something, surely he will have to try; even if that something will hurt me. “All power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely”.

Yet, I trust Perrin. I believe wholeheartedly that he wants what is best for me. Throughout our relationship he has helped me grow, strengthened me and brought me joy.

Is it not both parties in a relationship’s responsibility to prevent harm. Without the possibility of harm however, there is no trust.

But I am wondering. Does Perrin trust me? What do I get in exchange for giving my trust?

At this point I went upstairs to discuss these questions with Perrin.

Fear of Falling

The past month has been a very intense one for our relationship. While I think that was very necessary given the disconnection we have experienced, yesterday was the first time I considered that at some point we were going to have to dial things back a notch to leave more time to deal with ‘real world’ things.

As I considered that, I was overwhelmed with a feeling of panic and horror. I looked, as if from the outside, at our recent activities, at Perrin’s implacable demands, his sometimes harsh treatment of me, and of my eager acceptance of it all. I was suddenly aware of how vulnerable I truly was. I felt as if I was on the edge of a huge chasm of madness and pain, brought there by my Master, with only his arms to prevent me falling, and yet knowing he could so easily push me over the edge.

In previous times, I have had this feeling, and I have run away. Denying my submission and refusing to engage any further in it. The result is hurt and pain all round, and yet inevitably in time the cycle has repeated.

This year though, I have made myself a resolution (and I never make New Year’s resolutions), that I will not lie to myself and deny that I am submissive. Mastered or not, I will be honest about myself to myself. Facing that, I knew I could not run away this time. Instead I went to Perrin and told him I was frightened. His reassurance was warm and loving, and gave me the confidence I need to stand firm.

I have learned two things, one, that I am brave enough not to run from myself, and two, that I trust Perrin enough not to run from him. Those are things I want to remember.