Exploring the Darkness

So this post by Mina about emotional distance in relationships made me start thinking about how I view my D/s.

Perrin and I love each other very much. He is my husband, and we share real world joys and sorrows. He is also my Master, I belong to him. I can’t imagine it any other way. I can trust him with all of me. The one person I know who can see into the dark places in my soul and still love me. More than that, he can and does encourage me to explore and map them, and supports me when I need help.

That said, my submission to him is perpetual, and complete. I may however explore submission to others, without that loving bond, in different ways.

Perrin can of course decide to involve someone else. In that case my submission is still to Perrin, but he may choose to use another person as a tool, much as he might use a paddle on me. For me, I think, this would require a strong sense of Perrin’s control, to carry me through the scene, and a great deal of reassurance afterwards.

I can submit to somebody else directly, for a limited encounter. For me to do this, requires me to know them as a person. I need of course to be able to trust them not to harm me, physically or emotionally. It also requires me to feel for them. My submission, after all, is a gift. For me to give it, requires that I care for the recipient enough to give them a special part of myself. To reveal my inner self to them. I also need to want to please them. My submission comes with a desire to be the ‘good girl’; to end having received approval for my behaviour, appreciation of my gift. Most of all, I want to have given pleasure.
If I don’t care about them at all, why would I bother.

In either case, involving someone who does not have Perrin’s bond with me is a risk. It is playing without an emotional safety net. It is giving up assurance of approval, and comfort. It is looking into the darkness.
Why would I even consider doing this?
Because it fascinates me. Because it takes my submission to another level. I am just a plaything, not a lover.
Because it frightens me. I don’t know how much my heart can stand by, while I surrender myself.
Because it is a fantasy. It is intense and powerful.
Because it is fun!

I am however cheating slightly. Because through all of this, my Master is there. Encouraging, approving my explorations and I know, ready to pick up the pieces of my heart.

So it seems I can’t do without love after all.

New Year, Old Friends

After a lovely Christmas with my family, we had arranged to spend the new year with our oldest (and best friends). Its something we’ve been both looking forward to and dreading for some time. Looking forward to, because we hadn’t seen our friends in far too long, and dreading because, though they are our best friends, they knew nothing of our new(ish)ly discovered kink and polyamory.

So it was with much trepidation that we made the journey to their house. We had decided, you see, that we could not go on hiding this side of our lives from them.

Our friends were as lovely as they always are, and fed us a lovely meal, and provided much good wine. It was, much later into the evening (or was it morning by then?) until we could finally summon the courage to admit our new found sexual freedom.

The thing about Real Friends, though, is that they are understanding, both of your personal ups and downs, mistakes, and large surprises, such as coming out as poly.

We are very lucky to have such friends, especially those who we shared the new year with. We should have told them much sooner. Of course they would have understood 🙂

Trust

Perrin has written here about his difficulties with a long distance relationship.
I too struggle with that in my own way. I am very aware of my fear of abandonment. Irrational it may be, but it is deeply rooted in my life and cannot simply be ignored.

It took literally years for me to trust that Perrin would stay with me. He would say to me ‘Trust me’ and I would tell him then that I did trust him, as much as I could trust anybody, knowing that was not enough.  Even now believing in him as I do to the depths of my soul I still find the occasional doubt surfacing and needing to be banished.

When I find submission hard though and I struggle against him, he now says to me ‘Trust me’ and it is both a challenge and reassurance. I let go then, and let him take me where he wills.

Still each relationship must build its own trust, and for me that is a hard process every time. I struggle to believe in love, that I am lovable or loved. I know that in itself makes me harder to love. On the other hand I do truly appreciate those who make the effort to love me though.

It is not an entirely unconscious process. I make deliberate efforts to trust, to hope, to love despite the dark voices in my head. Because the people I love deserve every effort I can make for them.

So please, forgive me if I get this wrong. I’m doing the best I know how to do. I will try and trust that it will be good enough.

Distance

I have, in pretty much every relationship I’ve had, been either living with the other person, or (at university) been sleeping with them pretty much every night. I think that has caused me some problems in the few relationships I’ve had that didn’t fit this model.

I was a late starter, relationship wise. But when I did finally get a steady girlfriend (call her E), the relationship lasted over a year. Not bad for someone I met in the queue to open a bank account in my first day of university. With E, we had a pretty intense relationship in which we spent almost every night together during the term, and had a few empty weeks missing each other over the holidays.

This was a pattern I was to repeat though my years at university.

When Caitlin and I got together, due to circumstances, she moved straight in with me, and we can’t have spent more than a handful of nights apart since. This has left me, I feel with a slightly different view of relationships to lots of people. As we were thrust together so suddenly, and while very much desired, also quite unexpectedly, we had to cope with all the stresses of living together, with none of the being able to retreat to our own houses for some space.

We really wanted it to work, and so we talked through all the problems and arguments; something that aides us today as we embark on our open relationship.

So, back to the subject. Amy, our girlfriend, does not live that close, and can’t visit nearly as often as we’d all like. So for the first time in my life, I’m having to have a relationship at a distance. Its been very enlightening, and has made me think lots about how I view trust and jealousy.

I, of course, trust Caitlin. We’ve shared so much that it really couldn’t be otherwise. With Amy, though, I’ve had to accept that I’m not there all the time, and have to trust her.

I do, by the way!

Its something that probably comes naturally to most people, but is not something I’ve had to deal with up to now. Amy also has her own life to lead, distinct from Caitlin and mine.

This physical distance also means that contact is quite different to the time I spend with Caitlin. When Amy is with us, the time is finite, and feelings and touches something to savour, as there will be a gap before they can be repeated. It makes for very interesting times.

I’m very happy.

Good Girl, Bad Girl

If you can’t be good, be good at being bad.

My behaviour seems to have changed recently. I had been trying to be the perfect submissive, utterly obedient, well-behaved, that kind of thing. I wasn’t very good at it, of course, but I was working on it. Recently though, I thing I have stopped really trying to be a good girl, and have become rather a cheeky one.

Part of this is due I suspect to the fact that Perrin now has a ‘good girl’. She obeys without hesitation. She’s quiet and submissive when spanked where I start yelling and struggling. She doesn’t answer him back or argue when asked to do something.

I’m in awe really at how well-behaved she is.

I guess I don’t feel I can achieve that. So I find myself being the bad girl. Cheeky, disobedient, always pushing. Arguing, second guessing and complaining.

Part of it is my struggle to trust, to let go, to let Perrin take charge without opposition. Part of it is the need not to fail at anything. Better not to try, than to try and fail. It gets me attention too, which I guess is also what I’m after.

Indeed I wonder whether Perrin wants me to be good, or if he enjoys the challenges of having a ‘bad girl’. Perhaps if I was a good girl too it would be less fun for him (not that there’s any danger of me ever perfecting the role).

Am I a bad girl or a good one? I like being the good girl, I do, I love the praise that comes with it and the feeling of having given myself freely. But sometimes my doubts and insecurities push me into being bad, sometimes it’s a relief to rail against the inevitable submission.

I struggle to understand myself here, so I’m hoping that Perrin and I can find some time to try some role plays soon to help us explore these two sides of submission and understand a little better.