Keeping My Boy In The Dark

Mat is mine; my boy, my bitch and I am training him to be my whore. His body is mine to use how I please and I may use him to give pleasure to others if I wish. I wanted to see him do just that.

We got into the car and I told Mat to drive to the railway station. He looked uncertain. “There are lots of places you can go on the train”. I nodded. He didn’t need to know where we were going.

On the train his discomfort increased. He had no idea where we were going or what might be expected of him. He fidgeted nervously but assured me that he would be my good boy. I knew he would.

Our destination wasn’t far from the station, a small hotel where we walked straight in. I headed for the lift. I had been texted directions and I knew where we were going. In the hallway I paused and produced a blindfold. I fastened it over Mat’s eyes; this was after all to be a surprise for him. I knocked on the hotel room door.

A beautiful lady answered it and ushered us both in. I guided Mat into the room. It was dimly lit and a naked man similarly blindfolded lay on the bed. I grinned and helped Mat strip down to his frilly panties, laying his clothes neatly to one side.

I guided him up onto the bed and then the woman guided his mouth towards her partner’s cock. My boy began his work without hesitation. I sat back and watched the two blindfolded men, one pleasuring the other. The lady and I grinned at one another, this was hot to watch. In the dim light, we bent our heads to the boys and whispered encouragement at them. Mat was working hard, his hands and his mouth used to good effect. The woman removed the blindfold from her partner and he looked down to watch my boy sucking his cock before throwing his head back again in pleasure. As he grew closer to the edge I told my boy to take him all the way, I wanted to see spunk in his mouth. I heard the man asking his lover if she wanted him to cum and so she did. Urged thus my boy took him all the way and sat up at last rolling spunk on his tongue for me to see until I told him to swallow it down.

I asked the woman if she required any more services from my boy and she requested that he eat her too, so I guided him forward again until he could bury his face between her thighs. He lapped eagerly at her and she responded with pleasure. Held and kissed by her lover and I, a very sexy lady having a very sexy time. My boy in darkness, blindly using his mouth and hands guided only by her cries of delight.

I found myself sitting on the edge of the bed; watching, taking it all in. I was thrilled to see my boy giving pleasure, trusting in me to direct him and protect him. What I was seeing was hot and sexy and Mat was doing it for me. I realised I was smiling only because my cheeks actually hurt from doing so.
I smiled again when I thought how unsympathetic Mat would be of such discomfort.

My boy came to lick me also, letting me join in with the pleasure of the moment. For a while I was the centre of attention and loving it. Still we were not yet finished. My boy was hungry for more and went back to both the man and the woman to use his mouth yet again to give them pleasure before we were done.

Finally I helped him dress, still blindfolded and led him out into the corridor, leaving our hosts to enjoy the rest of their evening. I took my boy away, so proud and happy and full of smiles.

I hope I can make Mat do that again one day.
Anyone want a blow job?

Distance Is Not Always Measured In Miles

I’ve never been keen on long distance relationships. When you measure intimacy by touch, physical absence is hard to deal with. Still all relationships have their separations, their distances and efforts have to be made to overcome these.

My most recent sense of this was my trip away over Christmas. Several thousand miles and several time-zones coupled with severely hampered digital access certainly gave me a sense of distance. However flights were pre-booked in both directions and so I was able to count down the days and the hours until that distance was closed.

Currently I’m struggling with a distance of another sort. Life has changed and with it time, which used to be available with my boy, is no longer. The physical distances involved are relatively small but the time stretches between us; as these days even physical presence doesn’t always equal having the energy or mental space for play.

So I find myself, in effect, a long distance Domme. Oh, there are some advantages over being truly long distance; occasional opportunities to slip something into Mat’s bag for instance for him to discover later but mostly, that’s what I am.

I’m striving to keep up some form of D/s every day, as much for me as for him. Even if all I can do is text him to remind him who and what he is; I reaffirm that he is my boy in some way every day.
There have been tasks too, wearing my panties under his clothing, or getting him to tie up his cock for me. They make me smile as I imagine what he is doing, more so if I have a picture to go with it, but still, long distance D/s is mostly based on trust.

I can not compel him with my touch, or my voice or even the look in my eyes. Instead I must believe that he obeys because he wishes to be mine, and he must believe that I truly want his service, that it is of value and meaningful even when I am not physically present.
And all those things are true for me. Each distant task a little piece of connection, of comfort. Me in my place, he in his, until we can be together with the time and the space to truly be ourselves; to play as we wish.
I hold onto that thought as the long moments pass.

Jealous of My Prerogatives

I write this knowing that Mat is going to be playing with another domme today and is being filmed doing it. This is not the first time he has done this, with this same woman. Certainly he never promised exclusivity of kink and I can hardly claim any moral right to expect it; nor do I. Moreover my opinion was sought and listened to, and I willingly agreed that he should have this little adventure. I am however finding it a challenging experience in some ways.

This is not some other emotional relationship. If it was I might have expected that she and I would have sat down together over coffee, laughing and chatting, discussing what she might do to my boy. Some of that conversation would obviously be out of Mat’s earshot. Not all of it though, after all we would both want to see him squirm which he does so delightfully. Then I would have some idea what she might be doing with my boy, would feel I had some part in it.

Instead this is far more of a businesslike arrangement with a woman I have never met. I don’t even know whether she knows of my existence, probably she knows Mat has a domme, but she certainly doesn’t know me as a person. As such, I feel excluded and I find I also feel jealous of my prerogatives. Mat is after all mine, my boy, my puppy, my little one and I am responsible for taking care of him.

Still, I have let him go. Trusting that he will return. Slightly soiled and abused admittedly. Trusting that he will come and kneel at my feet and look up at me, my adoring submissive boy still.

He is, after all, mine.

Cloudbusting

I dislike conflict. Indeed, I’m prepared to admit, excessively so. I find it particularly difficult when I am unsure of the root cause (even when I may be aware of the immediate trigger) and when I don’t have a clear idea how the conflict may be resolved.

That in itself is probably unremarkable. My difficulty lies in the intensity of my reaction. One cloud of disharmony in my emotional sky seems to call the thunder. The rains come, lightning strikes. I am distraught and inconsolable.
I need to find calmness within myself. To be able to think clearly. To continue to function, but I struggle to do so.

One of the readings at a wedding I attended recently was the Apache blessing. It included a reminder that storm clouds visit all relationships, but the sun, though it may not be seen, is still there.
Perhaps I simply need to remember that.

Look, is that the sun?

Exploring the Darkness

So this post by Mina about emotional distance in relationships made me start thinking about how I view my D/s.

Perrin and I love each other very much. He is my husband, and we share real world joys and sorrows. He is also my Master, I belong to him. I can’t imagine it any other way. I can trust him with all of me. The one person I know who can see into the dark places in my soul and still love me. More than that, he can and does encourage me to explore and map them, and supports me when I need help.

That said, my submission to him is perpetual, and complete. I may however explore submission to others, without that loving bond, in different ways.

Perrin can of course decide to involve someone else. In that case my submission is still to Perrin, but he may choose to use another person as a tool, much as he might use a paddle on me. For me, I think, this would require a strong sense of Perrin’s control, to carry me through the scene, and a great deal of reassurance afterwards.

I can submit to somebody else directly, for a limited encounter. For me to do this, requires me to know them as a person. I need of course to be able to trust them not to harm me, physically or emotionally. It also requires me to feel for them. My submission, after all, is a gift. For me to give it, requires that I care for the recipient enough to give them a special part of myself. To reveal my inner self to them. I also need to want to please them. My submission comes with a desire to be the ‘good girl’; to end having received approval for my behaviour, appreciation of my gift. Most of all, I want to have given pleasure.
If I don’t care about them at all, why would I bother.

In either case, involving someone who does not have Perrin’s bond with me is a risk. It is playing without an emotional safety net. It is giving up assurance of approval, and comfort. It is looking into the darkness.
Why would I even consider doing this?
Because it fascinates me. Because it takes my submission to another level. I am just a plaything, not a lover.
Because it frightens me. I don’t know how much my heart can stand by, while I surrender myself.
Because it is a fantasy. It is intense and powerful.
Because it is fun!

I am however cheating slightly. Because through all of this, my Master is there. Encouraging, approving my explorations and I know, ready to pick up the pieces of my heart.

So it seems I can’t do without love after all.

New Year, Old Friends

After a lovely Christmas with my family, we had arranged to spend the new year with our oldest (and best friends). Its something we’ve been both looking forward to and dreading for some time. Looking forward to, because we hadn’t seen our friends in far too long, and dreading because, though they are our best friends, they knew nothing of our new(ish)ly discovered kink and polyamory.

So it was with much trepidation that we made the journey to their house. We had decided, you see, that we could not go on hiding this side of our lives from them.

Our friends were as lovely as they always are, and fed us a lovely meal, and provided much good wine. It was, much later into the evening (or was it morning by then?) until we could finally summon the courage to admit our new found sexual freedom.

The thing about Real Friends, though, is that they are understanding, both of your personal ups and downs, mistakes, and large surprises, such as coming out as poly.

We are very lucky to have such friends, especially those who we shared the new year with. We should have told them much sooner. Of course they would have understood 🙂