I’ve been thinking a lot about our puppy play last week.
I really enjoyed it, and although it didn’t consciously feel sexy it certainly turned me on, but what’s really on my mind is, well, what was on my mind.
I started off feeling very awkward. One minute I’m doing what I want, and the next I’m expected to kneel down at Perrin’s feet. This is the bit where I want to run away, and say that this is a really silly idea, but there’s no backing out now, so I kneel down obediently.
So (as usual) then, there’s the voice in my head that asks why an independent and capable woman (really I am) is letting some man order her around.
“Because I want to. Go away.”
“And don’t you think you look ridiculous, a woman of your age”, what a hateful phrase that is, “crawling about naked on the floor”.
“Well yes I probably do, but I’m not looking at me”, I’m also not looking at Perrin either. I want to believe I’m sexy like this, but I expect that ridiculous is closer to the mark, and I don’t want to see the look in Perrin’s eyes telling me I’m right.
I’m honestly trying to be a good puppy, but I’ve not got much to go on. Talking is probably not really in character, but he’s not asked me to be silent either, so I end up saying ‘Yes Sir’ to orders but trying not to say anything else.
That of course, gives my inner observer ample opportunity to comment on what’s going on.
“Drinking out of a bowl, what do you look like?”
You see how it goes…
Finally of course, I get deep enough for the voice to fade away, and I can just feel, but I wish it wasn’t so hard to get there…
I’ve always tended to commentate on my own experiences. Even to the point of commentating on my commentating on my own experiences (yes, that is as confusing as it sounds). Sometimes that’s a positive experience, but mostly the voice in my head is a critical one.
I know where in the past those voices come from, but that knowledge isn’t enough to quiet them, and they’re always waiting to torment me.
So, Perrin sent me a (kinky) porn clip to watch recently. I loved it. It was hot, and there were others on the site too, which I loved as well. Anyway, he asked me what I found most sexy about it.
It was then, I realised. In the clip the master is talking the whole time. Instructing, urging, praising, reassuring. The submissive is focused on him. His voice is the commentary to her experience, not her own, and it is a positive one.
Perrin however tends to be silent when we play, and that gives me a silence which I cannot help but fill, as I am filling it now, with thoughts which make me unhappy.
“Stop, stop, stop”.