Inner Voices

I’ve been thinking a lot about our puppy play last week.
I really enjoyed it, and although it didn’t consciously feel sexy it certainly turned me on, but what’s really on my mind is, well, what was on my mind.

I started off feeling very awkward. One minute I’m doing what I want, and the next I’m expected to kneel down at Perrin’s feet. This is the bit where I want to run away, and say that this is a really silly idea, but there’s no backing out now, so I kneel down obediently.

So (as usual) then, there’s the voice in my head that asks why an independent and capable woman (really I am) is letting some man order her around.
“Because I want to. Go away.”
“And don’t you think you look ridiculous, a woman of your age”, what a hateful phrase that is, “crawling about naked on the floor”.
“Well yes I probably do, but I’m not looking at me”, I’m also not looking at Perrin either. I want to believe I’m sexy like this, but I expect that ridiculous is closer to the mark, and I don’t want to see the look in Perrin’s eyes telling me I’m right.
I’m honestly trying to be a good puppy, but I’ve not got much to go on. Talking is probably not really in character, but he’s not asked me to be silent either, so I end up saying ‘Yes Sir’ to orders but trying not to say anything else.
That of course, gives my inner observer ample opportunity to comment on what’s going on.
“Drinking out of a bowl, what do you look like?”
You see how it goes…
Finally of course, I get deep enough for the voice to fade away, and I can just feel, but I wish it wasn’t so hard to get there…

I’ve always tended to commentate on my own experiences. Even to the point of commentating on my commentating on my own experiences (yes, that is as confusing as it sounds). Sometimes that’s a positive experience, but mostly the voice in my head is a critical one.
I know where in the past those voices come from, but that knowledge isn’t enough to quiet them, and they’re always waiting to torment me.

So, Perrin sent me a (kinky) porn clip to watch recently. I loved it. It was hot, and there were others on the site too, which I loved as well. Anyway, he asked me what I found most sexy about it.
It was then, I realised. In the clip the master is talking the whole time. Instructing, urging, praising, reassuring. The submissive is focused on him. His voice is the commentary to her experience, not her own, and it is a positive one.

Perrin however tends to be silent when we play, and that gives me a silence which I cannot help but fill, as I am filling it now, with thoughts which make me unhappy.

“Stop, stop, stop”.

Standing in the Corner

When I agreed formally to submit to Perrin he warned me that I “would spend a lot of time standing in the corner”.  Last weekend turned out to be an instance of this.

There are in my mind two sorts of commands. Orders, such as ‘kneel down’ which involve physical presence and get obeyed at once; and assignments which are remote or may be delayed.

Standing in the corner turned out to be a bit of a crossover. I’d been ordered to fetch my collar, and Perrin fastened it on me as I sat at his feet, and rested my head on his knees. It was lovely and comforting and safe.

“Go and stand in the corner” he ordered suddenly. I was up and across the room before I’d even started thinking.

I stood, my face to the wall. Listening as he moved round behind me, and then went into another room. At this point I started thinking hard. First of all, he’d left me fully dressed, which I suspected meant he intended me to stand there a while. My corner is draughty when naked! I wasn’t being punished, (if I had been, I’d also have expected to end up naked), so I clearly was supposed to get something else out of the experience.

So, I thought hard about it. What could I learn from this. I could walk away at any moment, nothing held me in the corner. So why was I still standing, gazing at a very boring bit of wall? As I repeated the question to myself, the answer came to me; obedience and patience, both things I find difficult at times.  So I stood, and waited and waited (for about half an hour all told).

He came back, and stood behind me.

“Don’t speak a word” he insisted.

I’d considered silence in the corner to be a given, so clearly I wasn’t getting out yet. I concentrated on standing still and not speaking. His hands reached under my skirt and pulled my panties to the ground. Then his fingers reached in and probed my pussy, it was wet. I hadn’t realised how turned on I’d become just from standing there, obeying him.

Then he walked away again.

When he finally returned, he came and stood behind me once more. I breathed in his presence, desperately praying he’d release me. He spoke.

“Count slowly to one hundred and come upstairs”.

I did so.

This episode has certainly started me thinking seriously about my obedience to Perrin. Why do I obey? There is no outside force making me. I know deliberate disobedience would be punished, but I don’t obey him because I fear punishment. There is something inside me which strives to obey even (and perhaps especially) when it is difficult.

Today I completed a difficult (for me) assignment. Again I found myself considering, how easy it would be simply not to obey.  I wondered if I was crazy not simply to say “No, I don’t want to”.

I know though that I have given up the right to simply say “no”.  For my submission to be meaningful, it must be honest. What I have given up I must give fully. I would be hugely disappointed in myself if I did anything less.