When you feel unable to speak and yet your heart is full.
Sonnet VIII – The Secret
I hold a secret close within my heart,
With force that may not ever be revealed,
The words of love that from my lips would start,
Are held inside, for must my lips be sealed.
Were I to speak the love I feel within,
You would pour scorn on such a raging flood
Of heartfelt passion that my eyes would dim
And in that dark would pain become my blood.
And yet that pouring out of love, denied
Is substitute for more intense desire,
The need for lust itself to be untied
And touch inflame our bodies into fire.
But passions fires are banked and love is dumb,
Yet hearts need words and these rhymes give them some.
© Caitlin 2014
This blog has been a little quieter than usual recently but it’s not been that I’ve lost interest. It isn’t even that I’ve been too busy; although admittedly I certainly have been busy with some very pleasant things.
Instead the problem has been this: I have been planning a surprise.
A kinky birthday surprise for Mat; a play party especially for him. Aside from the actual planning, the practicalities of arranging and acquiring things, my thoughts and fantasies have been working overtime on this, imagining the various things I want to do to him or to watch others doing. Taking his fantasies and blending them into my own, enjoying the concept of making them real.
Writing up such fantasies however, would give too much away, and might build up expectations that I’d then be afraid the reality wouldn’t meet.
In some cases it’s held back my play too. Not wanting to duplicate anything I might have planned, with my creative energies focused on that, play has been low key and familiar. All this means less adventures to write about here.
For me this time has been immensely frustrating, I’ve been unable to share or express some deeply kinky thoughts and desires. Unable to share them with Mat, I could also not share them here with you.
Finally though, my surprise has been sprung. The result was, for me, worth all the planning and worrying which went into it. Even better, I can now share the adventure here with you and I will do very soon.
Apologies that this post isn’t full of fun and kink and filth. I’d like it to be, but that’s rather the point.
This blog was originally created to give me somewhere to be open and honest. Somewhere to share the kinky side of my personality. Somewhere to explore the joys and sorrows of my relationships. Somewhere I could say anything. That is increasingly not actually possible. Continue reading “I’m Not Allowed To Say”
It’s something I should be used to, being away from my boy; but sometimes, just sometimes, it seems to bite more than others.
I’d like to be holding his hand, introducing him to people. Letting them see how much he means to me. Even when that is not possible, I’d like to include him in my conversation.
That is currently impossible, in so many circumstances.
The discussion seems to become distant. I become quiet. To each sentence I want to respond “Mat says…”, or “My boyfriend and I…”, or some other reference to someone who may be far away, but is so often in my thoughts. Instead those unsayable sentences echo around my head, and I nurse those thoughts and feelings inside myself.
It certainly makes me appreciate those people with whom I can share. The people who can accept my polyamorous side. Who can understand that Mat and Perrin are both dear to me, and share my life in their own ways. The people who won’t judge me harshly for loving more than once, and sharing honestly.
One day, I may find a way to share that more widely. For now though, it remains largely a secret. Just between you and I.