So you want to know how to be the perfect Dominant and you’ve come looking for advice*. Well I can help you. If you are a submissive you might want to look here instead; but if following that advice gets you into trouble then you’re entirely on your own.
As a Dominant, always remember it’s all about your submissive’s pleasure. An unhappy submissive is an uncooperative submissive and nobody wants that.
As the Dominant you are expected not to need to ask your submissive what they want from you, that would be too easy. Instead you must learn to interpret their little signals. Do they lean up against you or put their head in your lap – they want to be fussed. Are they lying on their front, wriggling their bottom – they want to be spanked (gently of course). You will of course have to learn to distinguish this wriggle from the hip thrusting version which means that they want to be fucked.
Remember, a good dominant will not ask them which they want; you must just know.
As a Dominant you may also control what your submissive wears. This is a complicated area. In occasion your submissive may actively ask for your direction but they also sometimes need to be directed spontaneously. In either case it is important to choose garments that make your submissive feel sexy, no matter what the occasion (see previous comment about unhappy submissives). Start thinking of a good excuse why your submissive has turned up to the local ‘bring and buy’ sale in a straitjacket and frilly panties now.
While attempting to meet your submissive’s needs you may occasionally wish to also satisfy your own, which may not be what your submissive was expecting. Be warned, you may well encounter vigorous resistance. In this case, back off gently and go and do something else. Your submissive will come back to seek attention when they are good and ready.
As the perfect Dominant you must also provide them constantly with evidence that they are loved and wanted.
Bringing them coffee in bed is a good way to ensure they start the day remembering who owns them. Make sure too, to provide a good supply of treats. What sort of cake is their favourite? Find out. With a little effort you can have your submissive eating out of your hand (literally, if you like).
And really that’s all there is to it; with a little attention, mind reading and, of course, the perfect submissive – you too can be the perfect Dominant.
There’s a tendency to think of polyamory as something a few unusual people do. I’ve heard monogamous folk claim that they just couldn’t do it, as though being polyamorous was somehow completely different from the life they lead, but it occurs to me that actually that’s not really true at all.
As I write this I am at home alone. My husband is away for the weekend. Not for a romantic getaway with his girlfriend (although he does that too sometimes) but to pursue one of his hobbies. Not one that I want to pursue with him in this case, so off he’s gone without me.
You might think that I would be taking advantage of the space to have a night of kinky abandon with my Boy but in fact he’s out tonight also. No, still not a sexy outing, he’s merely out socialising with friends.
I’m perfectly happy with this situation (in fact it gives me a chance to do a bit of blogging) but it has led me to thinking about why I feel so happy.
This evening isn’t a surprise to me. Plans have been made and discussed. I know that both of them checked that I was happy with their being away this evening and I appreciate that care for my feelings. Neither of them have left me feeling that they don’t wish for my company, or that they are glad to get away from me. On the contrary I am confident that they both love me and will come home to me full of affection.
Now, neither of them are out with other partners, so you might claim that isn’t really polyamorous at all – and that’s my point. This is perfectly normal, everyday life; the people I love are simply somewhere else having fun. Yet I recognise my happiness when I kiss them goodbye and when I think of them while they are away as the same feelings that allowed me to be lucky enough to love both of them in the first place.
The result is that I’m happily alone on a Friday night loving that the people I love are out having a good time. Really, that’s all that polyamory is. It’s that simple.
You know how it is; you’ve had a wonderful weekend. There has been fun, passion and wonder. Then Monday comes and you’re sitting in the office remembering the weekend and looking forward to another chance to do it all again.
Sonnet VII – Monday
Can Monday be the day I miss you most?
I feel your absence keenest from my side,
The empty space where weekend love could boast
You were within and did with me abide.
I cling to memories of what we shared
As overhanging branch for drowning men.
Reliving each sweet proof that then you cared
And feeling passion’s heat fill me again.
But phantom kisses cannot warm me still
Unless our love extends into my week,
I need to know that I make your heart thrill
And so, I long to hear, you thusly speak.
So now my heart leaps forward to the time
Your arms and hands and mouth tell me you’re mine.
© Caitlin 2014
I love it when my boy comes to me submissively and kneels at my feet or snuggles his head against me.
I love it when my boy looks up at me, and says ‘may I ask you something’?
I love it when, permission granted, he then shares his little fantasy with me.
Sometimes he wants impossibly difficult things (I’m still looking for someone to whore my boy to), and sometimes he wants simple things, maybe just for me to hurt him in a particular way.
At one level I’m very grateful for these questions. I’m happy that he feels secure enough to share his fantasies, pleased that he’s giving me feedback about what scenes really work for him. On the other hand, I can’t help wondering if these requests are a subtle sign that I’m not being Domme-ly enough, not requiring enough from him.
A Domme’s necessary sanity check asks, am I failing to meet his needs? Do I need to give him more tasks, hurt him more often or even find more times for us to go out and play?
Beyond those practical details lies a more fundamental thought. Is he struggling to feel submissive to me? Does he truly see me as his Domme or merely as someone playing a role to please him?
Still I can imagine my boy finding it all too easy to tell me to my face if he wasn’t happy in my dominance. So I’m content to believe that the requests are what they seem. A boy seeking attention and pampering (of a very special sort) from his Domme. And that is something I am very happy to provide him.
Earlier this week I was scanning a news site when I saw the headline “Tom Daley in relationship with man”. I did a double take.
I know who Tom Daley is. He’s a lovely young lad who was one of our Olympic swimming heroes, but I couldn’t understand what the story was.
My brain tried again. Perhaps the ‘man’ was much older, some sort of sexual predator, that seemed a vaguely topical possibility, but the headline surely would have been clearer? Confused, I clicked on the link and read the story in question.
It turned out Tom Daley has posted a you tube video saying (and I paraphrase) “I have a boyfriend and I’m very happy”. That’s a story? Really? A young man has a happy relationship and that’s news? Would it be news if I said “I have a boyfriend and I’m very happy”?
Well actually of course, in some circles it would. Indeed, only the next day I found myself in conversation with someone (who knew I had a husband) saying pretty much exactly that.
In the circumstances it was the only thing to say. Anyone who has seen me with Mat can tell our relationship is a close one and rather than feel like the subject of speculation and, most likely, misunderstanding I wanted to be honest. I could have avoided explaining but such an evasion would have left exactly the sort of misunderstanding I wanted to avoid.
I was lucky, the news was received as I would have hoped with a level of humour and acceptance that allows me the freedom to be myself. It’s a pleasant relief that Tom Daley’s story appears to have been received likewise.
And that is a good feeling. So while relationship revelations shouldn’t have to be news, sometimes they really are.