Reclaiming My Fantasies

I remember when I was single. It was a long time ago. In those days my sex life was mine alone.

I would go to bed early, sometimes to watch TV or to read but then to lie back and pursue a story in my head, to follow it wherever it led me. Invariably I would wank myself to sleep. At one stage I remember having an imaginary lover who would come to me (through the bedroom window) every night and we would… well, let’s just say that’s my little secret for now.

I realise now how much I miss some aspects of that time. Being able to go to bed in my own bed, alone, and enjoy my fantasies to the full, acting out such parts as were possible.

My fantasies too were my own. My secrets, told to no one. Crafted to satisfy my desires. Unreal and unassailable.

Nowadays my fantasies are more hybrid. Fantasies told to my Boy are often shaped to satisfy his desires. Kinky, perverted, extreme lusts which feed his desire and allow me to give him pleasure. Fantasies here are often written to explore an idea, for the intellectual challenge or because I enjoy arousing my readers.

My own fantasies, the private ones, are hard to find time and space for. It’s rare for me to have a bedroom to myself and the time to relax and enjoy it without expectation of interruption. It’s hard for me to let my mind go these days without trying to ‘improve’ my fantasies to make them more acceptable or realistic.

I think however it’s time I tried. So I’m going to make time for me to wank. And when I find a fantasy of my own I’m going to post it here without apology. They’re not real, they’re merely fantasies but they are entirely my own.

I Need To Bring It Home

I’ve been thinking recently about public versus private play and what it means.

I like playing publicly. Taking my Boy out, showing him off (in his pretty panties), whipping him or tying him up. I like the chance to sit and watch other people play, to take in the atmosphere and to get inspiration for my own play.

There are limitations to public play though. The opportunities are limited; at most once or twice a month and if something gets in the way that chance is gone. I also prefer not to do anything too adventurous in public. While our safeword can (and has) been used gracefully to alter a scene, I want to avoid the “No, that doesn’t work” or even the fits of giggles when we discover that what seemed like a hot idea has comic implications.

Private play, for me, is more intimate, less pressured, more rewarding. I can experiment, try new things, relax, say “hold on a minute” while I decide to find some new toy to play with (raiding the kitchen drawer for example) and aftercare can involve our own duvet and the sweetie box without needing to plan for it in advance.

Yet recently it seems like all our play has been public. There are little moments at home of course, his head in my lap, a quick morning caning or simply me using the strap-on on him but it has been a long time since he spent an hour naked at my feet or playing my puppy or even doing any of the several things on my ‘yet to do’ list.

I can find several excuses why not. We’re busy, it’s cold, there are things to do… and yet I came across a post by Ferns recently that got me thinking. It talks about what to do when your submissive says ‘no’ and if I’m honest that’s what stops me initiating play at home, the fear that the response to ‘get naked and sit at my feet’ will be ‘but it’s cold’ or ‘but I’ve got things to do’ or just plain ‘no’.

I mean I know there isn’t time to play all the time and possibly ‘but Mistress you haven’t let me have clothes or get up off my knees for a week now…’ would be a reasonable hint that I should give him a night off but I want him to trust me to let things get to that point (I wouldn’t…probably).

I want to dictate when and how we play because surely that’s the point? Hell, I need it to be the point. I need him to trust me, I need to feel I can ask and get a ‘yes Mistress’ because Ferns is quite clear about what happens if I stop asking.

Soon, she is not dominating him anymore, she is just getting him to do things that she hopes he won’t mind doing. He then wonders what happened to the fearless Domme he used to adore and she wonders what happened to her lovely submissive.

So I’m going to try to play more at home, demand more, experiment more and try harder to be the Domme I want to be. I hope that will give my Boy the space to be the submissive he wants to be too.