I’m Polyamorous This Morning

I saw the interview about polyamory on This Morning yesterday and felt fairly disquieted. Certainly the presenters seemed sympathetic enough even if obviously bemused. The ‘relationship expert’ on the other hand was frankly dismissive and disapproving.

She was dismissive partly because the people concerned were all in their twenties, unmarried and childless. One felt she was saying very much “You’ll grow out of this and then regret it”. Perhaps they will. On the other hand, even if they later decide to ‘settle down’ into a monogamous marriage why should that mean that the choices they are making are wrong for them now?

Perrin and I have come at this from the other direction. Starting with the monogamous marriage and then opening out to include others in our lives. I don’t feel that monogamy has failed us, I was happily monogamous for a long time. Why then should polyamory be a failure even if it is not permanent? Why, too, assume that it will fail simply because it fails for some people? A significant percentage of marriages fail, yet no one (hopefully) says to a bride “it’ll end in tears”.

Indeed the lady in question’s attitude seemed to be largely ‘you’re going to get your comeuppance when you get hurt’. Certainly they will get hurt. Every relationship carries with it a certain amount of pain; engaging in more than one at once inevitably increases the potential of getting hurt. But then it increases the potential for joy too, it provides additional support to get one through difficulties and is incredibly rewarding.
I’m sure it’s not for everyone but then there are people who choose to live celibate lives and that’s not for everyone either. It would be lovely if everyone was free to choose the relationships which they desired for themselves without censure.

I found this interview a sad reminder of how many people would fail to understand our own choices, and some of those are people I really don’t want to hurt. Nevertheless it will go some way to raising the issue in some people’s minds, letting them start to question the model of relationships and perhaps one day leading to a little more understanding.
That can only be a good thing.

All credit too to the three brave ladies who kept their cool and put their points across calmly on national television. I’m suitably impressed.

Separation

It’s something I should be used to, being away from my boy; but sometimes, just sometimes, it seems to bite more than others.

I’d like to be holding his hand, introducing him to people. Letting them see how much he means to me. Even when that is not possible, I’d like to include him in my conversation.

That is currently impossible, in so many circumstances.

The discussion seems to become distant. I become quiet. To each sentence I want to respond “Mat says…”, or “My boyfriend and I…”, or some other reference to someone who may be far away, but is so often in my thoughts. Instead those unsayable sentences echo around my head, and I nurse those thoughts and feelings inside myself.

It certainly makes me appreciate those people with whom I can share. The people who can accept my polyamorous side. Who can understand that Mat and Perrin are both dear to me, and share my life in their own ways. The people who won’t judge me harshly for loving more than once, and sharing honestly.

One day, I may find a way to share that more widely. For now though, it remains largely a secret. Just between you and I.

Envy Is Not Jealousy

I like words. I enjoy finding the right word for a particular concept, even if admittedly I don’t always succeed. Certainly I consider the difference between envy and jealousy to be important, even when common usage makes it hard to determine what the meaning should be. In reality though it’s simple. Jealousy is felt over something you have, envy is felt over something you don’t have (but want).

Jealousy is talked about a lot in polyamory. It is considered to be a bad emotion. Uncontrollable jealousy, the inability to share someone you love would be fatal indeed to a polyamorous relationship. In reality though, a little jealousy can be handled, with care and communication. After all everyone is looking out for it and trying to control and tame it.

In comparison I’ve not yet seen any significant discussion of envy. It seems to me just as troublesome as jealousy in its own way. When someone you love has something you want, something you cannot share. That’s hard to deal with. I honestly don’t know how to work through that. Controlling your own envy of others is hard, but harder still, how do you help someone else? How do you reassure someone who is envious of your relationships? How do you make them feel better?

Playing down the value of what you have is one option, or hiding the cause of envy from them. Neither are options I see as helpful or healthy for anyone.

What does that leave I wonder?

Waking up

This morning, I’ve come to a realisation. It’s been a bit of a painful process, though I think I’ve not done too badly, all things considered.

Readers of this blog will be aware that towards the end of last year, I (and Caitlin) split up with the gorgeous Amy. My relationship with her was intense; physically, emotionally and D/s. It’s taken a while for me to recover from.

The final part of that happened last night, or more accurately when I woke up this morning.

Last night Caitlin and I went to a lovely play party held by the nice folks at After Pandora. I should have had a really good time, and I did… mostly. I left, however, feeling rubbish. This was entirely my fault, though it was through this black aura that, with Caitlin’s help, I have regained my sense of self belief, and my confidence as a Dom that I had been lacking since splitting up with Amy.

You want some more details? Well here they are:

My polyamorous relationship with Caitlin has been transforming from something that we were considering, evaluating, into something that is definitely looking right for us. As I speak, Caitlin is entertaining our house guest (her boyfriend) in the spare room, and by the sounds of things, both of them are having a lot of fun. I wouldn’t admit it at the time, but this had bothered me a bit the last time it happened. I had a feeling of envy that I thought was because she was getting all the fun, but I now recognise was actually jealousy. The questions going round my mind were ones of ‘how do I compete with the fantastic time Mat is giving her’.

Of course, it is not a competition. Though I do recognise now that I had lost my mojo rather, which does bring us on to last night. At the party I met a lovely lady, whom I certainly hope I’ll talk to (and see)  lots more. But, because I have been in this rather indeterminate state, I rather ignored Caitlin. Now, we’d attended the party to have fun time, and part of that was meeting other people, so this was not, in itself, a problem, but we’d talked about some things that I’d wanted to happen, specifically, I’d wanted to have my cock sucked while people had been watching.

To cut a longish story short I was getting a little tired, and had decided that it was probably time to go when I came across Caitlin just having had sex with one of her friends with benefits. Again, this was completely with our agreed bounds, but instead of being my Dominant self, and insisting that she repeat her efforts with me, I got hugely jealous, spoiled my evening, and left in a huff with her in tow (Apologies to her beau are in order).

I, to be frank, was fucking stupid. I could have turned this rather hot image in front of me into some really hot sex. *sigh*

Caitlin reminded me before we went to sleep, myself still in a terrible mood that she was mine, and if I’d wanted her, I should have just taken her.

Sometime we need to be given a slap round the face, and this is what I required. With those words, she put in place the necessary things for me to sort my house in order.

I’m back, and it feels great!

P.S. I do hope I’ve not put off the lovely lady I met with my indecisive behaviour, I’d like to get to know her better 😉

Selling Yourself Short

On reflecting on my current relationships, or even proto-relationships. I’ve realised that I have been setting my expectations too low. I’ve been harbouring a sense that my desire for people to share my life with, and not just my body was unrealistic. That I should instead accept whatever attentions I can get, accepting that as a substitute for the perceived unattainable emotional connection I long for.

Perhaps it’s due to my inability to see myself as attractive.

My sexual attractiveness is not in doubt. The evidence there is such that even I have to (finally) accept that I’m pretty, sexy, and quite a lot of fun to play with.

The sort of attractiveness that counts though, the being desired as a friend and girlfriend and not just a lover is something I find harder to accept.

I believe that anyone who really gets to know me will reject me. Everybody does. I don’t have enough to offer anyone. I simply don’t know how to have a relationship any more.

Obviously Perrin is an exception to all these views, but I genuinely don’t understand what he sees in me, so how can I possibly believe, and even more, accept, that anyone else will see it too.

It seems greedy too, to want more than Perrin to care for me. He gives me so much, how unreasonable to ask the universe for more of the same.

Still, I need to remember that it’s ok to say no. That I have a choice. That I don’t have to settle for second best. That I’m worth loving, even if I don’t understand why.

Then I can cherish the people who love me as they deserve.