It’s official when you have to update your Fetlife profile.
I’ve always described myself as submissive but I have been struggling to express my submissive side for a while; the D/s relationship with Perrin had basically ceased a while ago but still I hadn’t wanted to declare it over. Then again, I couldn’t, Perrin had given me a collar and that made me his.
It felt empty though, there was no feeling, no reward, it was a struggle for the sake of it. It wasn’t meant to be like that (at least not all the time) it was meant to be fun.
I discussed my feelings with Perrin and well, he simply updated his profile and in doing so let me go.
So that left me wondering am I submissive? Am I a Domme?
Kink is important to me. It gives me passion, connection, exploration, sensation. It helps me balance my unstable emotions and can help me to feel loved and accepted. I’ve realised though that I can get those things, in different ways, both as a Domme and as a submissive. I currently feel more comfortable being the Domme.
I’ve always had kinky fantasies and I had always seen them as submissive ones. Still inside my head I had to control all the characters and I won’t deny I enjoyed thinking up elaborate ways to torture my imaginary submissive. In general my fantasies involved dominant males and submissive females, but then there was also a fascination with knights who served their lady with love and honour and faced impossible challenges for her, so perhaps there was more of the Domme in me even then than I saw at the time.
Still I have a submissive side and I don’t believe that it’s gone for good. I can’t imagine playing with anyone else for now though. I’m not sure whether I could deal with kinky play without someone who will hold me and love me afterwards. For me kink is a physical activity and physical touch is intimate and special. It takes someone I feel close to for me to feel comfortable touching them or being touched. So for now submission is firmly off limits.
The good thing about letting my submissive side go for now is that my relationship with Perrin feels much better. The pressure is off. The awkwardness of every interaction that reminded me that we weren’t doing D/s is gone and in its place is the easy loving relationship we’ve always had.
I love my husband very very much. What I am right now is happy with that.