My Poly Valentine

A little over a year ago I realised that for the first time in my life I was going to be sending two Valentine’s cards.

Perhaps, I mused, I should write a poem to convey my love to both Perrin and Mat. I could, of course, have written one poem and given it to both of them but that would have seemed like short-changing them and anyway they are very different people. So, two poems were required but I wanted to convey that my love is whole and encompasses them both.
At this point I realised I wanted to write two poems that could be combined into one by changing only punctuation and homophones.

It has taken me this long (yes more than a year) to come up with such a poem and I freely admit that it’s dreadful. I only hope both men will take the effort it required as evidence of my love for them both.

My dearest love, be thou my valentine.
Be my new day, my gentle night,
My morning star you make life shine,
You fill my heart with love so bright.

I pledge my love with this short verse,
And evermore let love be true.
Know valentine and always trust,
These words of mine “I love you two”.

Celebrating (Polyamorous) Marriage

This is one of those times when I came across a post and thought “yes, that!”. This one is about what marriage means when you are polyamorous.

Marriage has been on my mind at the moment as Perrin and I recently celebrated another wedding anniversary.

When he and I got married we were expecting to be monogamous, so marriage was an uncomplicated commitment. However one of the advantages of having a civil wedding was that we had to choose our own vows. This meant we discussed whether we wanted sexual fidelity to be one of them. In the end we didn’t promise it, because the vows we chose expressed our desire to love and support each other in far less specific terms.

Having discussed and renegotiated, as all married couples do on many subjects (even if not always sexual ones), we now find ourselves polyamorous. However my love for Perrin and my commitment to our relationship remain. He is someone I want to be a part of my life until I am old and grey (a day sadly coming rapidly ever closer).

However this doesn’t necessarily preclude me being committed to someone else as well. While legal marriage is clearly not an option, bigamy being ever so slightly illegal in this country, marriage is about more than a legal status. It is about standing up to declare your feelings, promising commitment, about believing in forever. Promises made together do not need legal sanctity to be meaningful. I still remember the moment I realised I felt committed to Perrin and it was a moment well in advance of our wedding day.

Our recent wedding anniversary was very special in many ways. Over a long weekend Perrin and I shared many wonderful moments together, just the two of us, but our anniversary dinner was a different affair. Perrin, Mat and I shared a meal together; we toasted the anniversary, together, as a poly family of which our marriage is a part.
This is my life; married, polyamorous and very, very, happy.

What Am I Now?

It’s official when you have to update your Fetlife profile.

I’ve always described myself as submissive but I have been struggling to express my submissive side for a while; the D/s relationship with Perrin had basically ceased a while ago but still I hadn’t wanted to declare it over. Then again, I couldn’t, Perrin had given me a collar and that made me his.

It felt empty though, there was no feeling, no reward, it was a struggle for the sake of it. It wasn’t meant to be like that (at least not all the time) it was meant to be fun.

I discussed my feelings with Perrin and well, he simply updated his profile and in doing so let me go.

So that left me wondering am I submissive? Am I a Domme?

Kink is important to me. It gives me passion, connection, exploration, sensation. It helps me balance my unstable emotions and can help me to feel loved and accepted. I’ve realised though that I can get those things, in different ways, both as a Domme and as a submissive. I currently feel more comfortable being the Domme.

I’ve always had kinky fantasies and I had always seen them as submissive ones. Still inside my head I had to control all the characters and I won’t deny I enjoyed thinking up elaborate ways to torture my imaginary submissive. In general my fantasies involved dominant males and submissive females, but then there was also a fascination with knights who served their lady with love and honour and faced impossible challenges for her, so perhaps there was more of the Domme in me even then than I saw at the time.

Still I have a submissive side and I don’t believe that it’s gone for good. I can’t imagine playing with anyone else for now though. I’m not sure whether I could deal with kinky play without someone who will hold me and love me afterwards. For me kink is a physical activity and physical touch is intimate and special. It takes someone I feel close to for me to feel comfortable touching them or being touched. So for now submission is firmly off limits.

The good thing about letting my submissive side go for now is that my relationship with Perrin feels much better. The pressure is off. The awkwardness of every interaction that reminded me that we weren’t doing D/s is gone and in its place is the easy loving relationship we’ve always had.

I love my husband very very much. What I am right now is happy with that.

Being Submissive

My submissive side has been largely internal recently. Perrin and I have continued to struggle to give our D/s expression. I realised recently that I needed to make a deliberate attempt to express my submission even if I don’t always feel it as fully as I would like.

Rather than waiting for Perrin to express his dominance and then fighting it because I’m not expecting it; I needed to offer my submission to him in a way that was not demanding and be patient. As a simple step I decided to make an effort to call Perrin ‘Sir’ occasionally to remind us both that I am his girl still.

We had gone out for the evening, a social event but a formal one. One where the ladies were served before the gentlemen and wine glasses were topped up without asking. In a slightly alcoholic haze therefore, we made our way out into the night, my arm in his, happily together. I know I called him ‘Sir’, in a moment of conversation, then suddenly for no real reason he was threatening to spank me on the tube train. His eyes alight with the image, mine with the delight of seeing my Dom, in that moment I would happily have let him do so if he had insisted.

Waking up with him at the weekend, I reached for my Dom and asked for that spanking.
I lay on my front on the bed and Perrin began spanking me. Once he settled into a nice slow gentle rhythm I lay still concentrating on the sensation. His hand forced my thighs apart. I struggled to cope as his fingers began working against my clit the added sensation a difficult distraction. Eventually though I relaxed back into the rhythm. Suddenly I realised how turned on I was. My hips tightened as his fingers moved, his other hand spanking in a steady rhythm. I wanted more, and more. I cried out as orgasm struck and waves of pleasure washed over me. Immediately followed by pain, as the soreness in my bottom came into sudden relief.
He turned me over then. His cock entering me swiftly. I spread my legs and threw back my head and let him take his girl, lost in the pleasure of being his.
When he came inside me, I lay breathless, happy, satisfied and submissive.

Thank you, Sir.

A Voice In The Dark

I woke up early. It was still dark. That it was real life was evident by the fact that I had a headache. After taking painkillers I snuggled close to Perrin.

His hands roamed my body and I responded with a growing passion until I was begging for his cock. He slid inside me and as he took me he whispered in my ear.

“I will take you when I want to and you will let me. I will take you in the bedroom. I will take you in the lounge. I will take you when you are sleeping and when you are awake. I will take you when you don’t want me to. If you show the slightest sign of resistance then I will spank you and you will be wet and I will leave you wanting. “
I breathed softly “Yes Sir”.

I listened to his voice in the dark.

Start As You Mean To Go On

Last year I had some amazing sexual experiences however I’d given no thought as to what might be coming next .
To my surprise and delight within hours of New Year (the exact time depending on your time zone) Perrin started it off in style.
Arriving home to be reunited with Mat then resulted in an amazing lovemaking session one night and an intense one fucking my bitch the next.

All in all, an amazing, intense and emotional start to what I hope will be a good year.

The View From The Top

Another year passes and it is time to pause and look at the view from here.
I had some resolutions for this year. One was to meet new people. I made a real effort to do this and am delighted to have made several new friends. One of those friends turned out to be more important than I could possibly have expected. From two submissives meeting for coffee and a chat to a Domme and her boy falling in love together was a short step but utterly unexpected. That resolution and that coffee have shaped my entire year and this blog.

Indeed I wanted to continue writing the blog and I have ended up writing far more than I would have expected and received more feedback than I ever hoped for. I am very grateful to everyone who has taken the time to read or comment.
I also wanted to make the people I loved happy, that perhaps I have done least well at. Perrin’s depression has been a real challenge for me to deal with and I struggle with the implications of that still.

So what have I learned this year?
I’ve learned how important it is to stick to the rules of a relationship and to discuss them honestly.
I’ve learned that I can (sometimes) have sex without commitment and it can be a lot of fun.
I’ve learned that I have a dominant side and that expressing that is extremely satisfying.

For next year I want to explore my dominant side further and grow in confidence. I want to find a niche for my submissive side, a way of expressing what I need within the limitations I currently have. I hope Mat and I continue to grow in our relationship and build a deeper understanding into the love and passion we share. I hope to help Perrin find his own happiness again and see him his true self again. I think I have my work cut out for me but I’m going to give it my very best shot and, of course, I will continue to chronicle my progress here.