I’m Still Me

So I’ve just had a bit of an identity change. As I said it’s been on the cards for a while. I’m aware that this may now cause confusion between who-I-was and who-I-am.

I can’t of course cause the old online identity to entirely disappear. It will persist in a number of places I have no doubt. For that reason if no other I’m posting this to point out that yes, things really have changed.

Yet I’m still fundamentally the same person I was before (which may or may not be a disappointment) and I will of course still be here.

I hope you will be too.

Don’t Call Me Bad Domme*

Mat often says “Bad Domme” to me, as a term of endearment. It means I’ve been the right sort of evil to him. I take it as a compliment and throw it back playfully to him on occasion. Still, I’m not always entirely comfortable being described that way.

On the other hand, I’ve been feeling for a long while now that my current on-line identity no longer fits. Names that were chosen when I was purely submissive, chafe and seem uncomfortable now. I need to describe myself better, here and elsewhere.

The trouble is I struggle to define myself. I am loathe to describe myself as “Mistress” or “Domme” I don’t want to feel limited by that. I want to be a good Domme to my boy, but that is not all I am; and I am Mistress to him only, not to the world in general.
I also don’t want to be “Bad”. So many words used to describe kink are negative ones. I don’t want to be “Naughty”, “Dirty” or “Wicked”. I want to be good, loving, caring, kinky, fun, playful, adventurous, sexy, sadistic (in a good way) and loved.
Now if only I can find a name to say all that.

*Obviously Mat can continue to call me Bad Domme all he wants. That’s very different.

The Naming Of Dommes

I recently needed to describe my relationship with Mat. His description of me was ‘Owner’  which seemed appropriate but I started thinking about the other options theoretically available. One of those was ‘Mistress’  a word which led me on to thinking about titles.

I have never asked Mat to give me a title. Indeed when we discussed it, long ago, I specifically refused one. After all my main options seemed to be ‘Goddess’ or ‘Mistress’. I am not arrogant enough to see myself as some pseudo-deity and I don’t want to be grovelled to.

In reality, of course, such options were never truly open to me. Let’s be clear, when Mat uses the word ‘Mistress’ it is said with a cheeky look, an Igor-like lisp and a twist to the shoulder that shouts ‘demented hunchback’ more clearly than any words could say.

If I had delusions of grandeur such mocking respect would bring me down to earth very quickly but luckily I have no such delusions.

Once however I laughingly challenged him to call me Mistress without the lisp, to make it sound genuine. He rose to the occasion and I heard love and respect in that one word. I had not realised until then how beautiful a title could sound.
On another occasion I demanded the word from a distance. I expected the playful humour to surface and the texted reply to say ‘Mith-treth’ I was startled and delighted when it didn’t.

So I find myself now appreciating the idea of having a title, something more than my name, something which expresses our relationship and makes me feel like his Domme.

The next question is inevitably, what should such a title be. Although recently there have been a couple of times when Mat has called me ‘Mistress’, casually and in passing and it has felt freely given and genuine it is still not quite who I am.

Of course I am a ‘Tiny Domme’ but that name though written is never spoken. It is a signature not a way to address me.

Then, out of the blue, he called me something that suddenly felt wonderful and right. Inherently both respectful and loving. Reflecting our relationship; I am, after all, his as much as he is mine. It is not a title used by a slave but one given by a man, who stands tall and proud and bends his knee only as he chooses.

Still the irony of finding such a title attractive is that I cannot ask or demand it. It must be freely given to be worth having and I can’t actually imagine Mat seriously giving me any title formally no matter what it was.

Perhaps, though, that doesn’t matter; perhaps it’s more important that I see myself that way than it is to be called that out loud. After all, perhaps what’s important is that I know who I am and behave accordingly.

So I won’t share that title with you here, for now it is my secret, my deep and inscrutable name.

Guesses are permitted although I may not tell you if you are correct, also bonus points for anyone who recognises the unsubtle reference.

Names

Names identify things, they categorise and label them. They give possession and ownership. They have meaning.

I’ve always thought the American habit of calling one’s father ‘Sir’ an odd one. How, I ask, can you have a loving intimate relationship with someone you refer to in such a formal manner.
So it came as something of a shock to discover that I’m calling Perrin ‘Sir’ as something of a matter of course.
Although I have very occasionally found myself calling him ‘Master’ I tend to see that as something he is, rather than as a name, just as you wouldn’t usually call your father ‘Father’.

‘Sir’, however is a title which I feel very comfortable with. It seems to have the advantage of being relatively vanilla-safe if overheard. It is a word which for me, speaks of my love, respect and obedience. I also treasure it, knowing each time I use it how lucky I am to have a master to take care of me.

It is also special because I chose it. To name something is to own it, to shape it. Children are named by their parents, and are named in return; ‘Mummy’ and ‘Daddy’ are much more than just words, they are marks of possession and love. ‘Husband’ and ‘Wife’ too imply love, closeness and permanence.

We all have so many names, especially when we create on-line identities. To choose a name is to redefine ourselves. To give someone else a name is to share our vision of them.

Some names are special. They’re special because of what they say about the person, how we perceive them, how we relate to them. Most of all they’re special because the people we love are special.

It was a Beginning

Well, we couldn’t write here without names  to describe ourselves by and I’ve been asked (told) to write something to explain what we’ve chosen.

A long time ago we started reading a nearly endless series of books by Robert Jordan called The Wheel of Time. They’re good books. Well the first three or so are, after that they descend into a lot of waffle and not much actual action. Although actually there is a surprising amount of spanking. Women seem to regularly find themselves being spanked by someone throughout the books, but I digress (or perhaps not).

Then when we came to get married we needed some wedding vows. This proved a huge challenge trying to find something romantic, but not too sickly. Then we remembered Perrin and Faile’s wedding in the Wheel of Time and the words fit.

“I do pledge you my love for as long as I live. What I possess in this world I give to you. I will keep and hold you, succor and tend you, protect and shelter you, for all the days of my life. I am yours, always and forever.”