Mat and I were going to a kink night. It was some distance away and we had booked a hotel, both as somewhere to get ready and as somewhere to crash afterwards. While driving to our hotel we discovered the party in question had been cancelled; we decided to carry on and enjoy the weekend anyway.
I’ve said before that hotels make things special, far away from the normal world. This weekend proved that to be true again.
We had a wonderful weekend. During the days we pottered about in the car. We paddled our feet in the river, we went shopping, we sat in a shady graveyard and ate pies, we drank every sort of iced coffee we could find, we walked, laughed, held hands and behaved like any loving couple might.
When in the hotel everything was different. My boy was naked. He was my puppy, my fucktoy, my whipping boy and my footstool. I took naked photos of him cavorting like a whore in the hotel window and walked him about in the dark by his cock. We shared dirty fantasies and sexy moments, he came for me and I smeared his spunk on his face.
Do these days and nights seem mismatched? Not to me, for they were wonderful and precious and all ‘us’. Days and nights to be treasured.
At night I let my mind take me to places I want to be, here is a little taste of where I sometimes go.
Sonnet III – Dreams
So lay me down, alone and in my bed,
Far from your side, yet closest now to thee.
Eluding me, sleep circles round my head
And weaves a web of dreams, of what might be.
Vows spoken once, in jest perhaps, I take,
Now hold them to my heart in jealous trust.
Each word of love believe in for love’s sake,
Till breath is gone and body turned to dust.
Restful my eyes are closed, my heart aflame,
As thoughts of love soothe wounds that day made sore.
I drift to sleep now whispering your name,
Secreted in my heart for evermore.
Now dream I thus our hearts always entwine,
Yet will I know the truth of this in time?
© Caitlin 2013
This is my first ever sonnet. Written to capture a little of what makes my relationship with Mat so special.
Sonnet I – The Field of Love
We watch the night beneath its field of stars,
With knotted rope, under the moon who glows.
The silence all around, it is not ours
We break it with impassioned cries and blows.
Your eyes are kind but still your gaze is stern,
Yet humbly on your knees devotion prove.
My heart, like falcon flies for freedom, yearns
For closeness deeper far than some call love.
From tiny seeds unbidden this love starts,
Supplant all others in my heart forsooth.
Let no man ask the motive of our hearts,
Pure is our love and this the purest truth.
For those who choose to see what I have writ
Here is our love, for others only wit.
© Caitlin 2013
This is not in any way a film review so doesn’t contain any spoilers.
I recently went to see Iron Man 3. It was a thoroughly enjoyable film and a lovely piece of escapism. Yet one scene struck me particularly strongly.
In it Tony Stark moves close to Pepper Potts. He bows his head and rests it against her chest. Then he looks up at her adoringly while she strokes his face gently. “I’m going to have a shower” she tells him as she walks away and he looks momentarily forlorn until she adds firmly, “and you’re coming with me”.
In that moment I saw something beautiful in that relationship. Tony Stark is ‘Iron Man’, he is rich, successful, incredibly intelligent and a hero but he is also Pepper’s little boy and he needs her to look after him.
I’ve been very busy recently and play time with my Boy has been practically non-existent. But earlier that same day my boy had rested his head against my chest, looked up at me as I stroked his face and acknowledged that he was mine. And there is my truth, my hero and my little boy. So very loved and so very precious to me; no matter how busy I am.
The picture is of the surprise present my boy gave me that same day – Iron Man pyjama bottoms. Nothing could have been more perfect.
I need to hurt my Boy.
I need to find a place, a time when I can just relax and let go and hurt him.
I need to be more than gentle. To give him more than those teasing spanks where his bottom wriggles eagerly for the next one. More than the hurried dozen strokes before something else intrudes on our time together.
What I need, right now, is to hurt him. To cause him pain. To hurt him until he wants it to stop. Wants it to stop but doesn’t stop me. Taking each blow willingly for me.
I need him bound. Committed to what is to come. Helpless to prevent it. Knowing that there is no ending until I am spent, until my love is played out in full upon his flesh.
I need to hear him crying out in pain. I need to hear his love spilling uncontrollably into the air. I need to hear his anguish. I need to hear his breath, sobbing, as he begs me not to stop until I am satisfied.
I need to hit him. Again and again and again. I need my arm to ache with tiredness and to force myself through my pain to add to his.
I need to leave his body marked and bruised. I need to know the fall of water in the shower, each casual brush of fabric against flesh will remind him for days what I have done to him. I need to see him wince as I run my hand across his flesh.
I need him to know that he is mine. That his body is mine to hurt. I need him to know he is owned, possessed and used. I need him to be willingly offered to my desires; given to my needs.
I need him to know he is loved. More than words can say or flesh can show. More than any single moment can hold. More than all of this.
I need to love him and I need to hurt him.
Sometimes those two are the same thing.
A little over a year ago I realised that for the first time in my life I was going to be sending two Valentine’s cards.
Perhaps, I mused, I should write a poem to convey my love to both Perrin and Mat. I could, of course, have written one poem and given it to both of them but that would have seemed like short-changing them and anyway they are very different people. So, two poems were required but I wanted to convey that my love is whole and encompasses them both.
At this point I realised I wanted to write two poems that could be combined into one by changing only punctuation and homophones.
It has taken me this long (yes more than a year) to come up with such a poem and I freely admit that it’s dreadful. I only hope both men will take the effort it required as evidence of my love for them both.
My dearest love, be thou my valentine.
Be my new day, my gentle night,
My morning star you make life shine,
You fill my heart with love so bright.
I pledge my love with this short verse,
And evermore let love be true.
Know valentine and always trust,
These words of mine “I love you two”.
Mat recently selected his favourite pictures of me and added them to his blog. This was one of them but it is unique in that selection as being a picture that has not been shared here until now.
It is however the picture that best captures how I feel about my Boy. He is loved, cherished and wanted; owned and precious. I am his Domme and I love him.