I’m not a very good Domme. I’m too nervous, too uncertain, too easily discouraged. I lose confidence when I am unable to win my Boy over to my mind and unable to discern his. I’m a novice in so many things and yet I fear practising risks failing and losing what little confidence my Boy has in me.
Mostly I sail between these problems, being the best Domme I know how to be. Taking joy from each successful moment, enjoying the challenge of building the relationship, and my Boy’s pleasure, in all the ways he needs. Loving the freedom and the expression that being his Domme gives me. Flying high on a wave of passion and emotion that almost nothing else can equal.
Sometimes though I lose my way. When that happens, when I lose my nerve, when I am paralysed by uncertainty, unable to truly be a Domme, I wonder does my Boy know or notice? Does he wonder why I do not act? Is he frustrated or relieved?
I dare not ask him but I can’t help but wonder.
Yet I’m not looking for sympathy here or reassurance. My challenges are my own. I may never be a super confident Domme but as long as I have my Boy I can live with my uncertainties.
I’m always keen to try new things. Sometimes you find a new favourite and at the very least you learn something about yourself.
I had the opportunity to put Mat in a latex mask. Well I say ‘put’, in practice it required him to actually put it on himself. I definitely love the look and feel of latex. His red straitjacket is one of my favourite toys and I love not only seeing him in it but also looking after it, polishing it and taking care of it.
He put on the mask and I took the opportunity to take some photographs, musing as I did so that this was one of the rare occasions that I could take a picture of Mat’s face and publish it here.
The latex felt wonderful to stroke and it was certainly interesting hiding his identity away but at the same time I felt uncomfortable with the transformation. It didn’t take away who Mat was, even blindfolded he was still the exhibitionist, posing for me and for my camera, but I felt that I had lost touch with him.
I could no longer see his face, read his emotions or reactions. I felt cut off from him.
I think I understand the appeal to the wearer of such a mask. Losing yourself in anonymity, faceless with no need for shame, no need to be a person, able to be objectified, and that’s aside from the sheer tactile pleasure of it all.
As a Domme though, I felt lost. I’m happy to objectify my boy on occasion. He makes a very fine footstool I assure you. For me though, I need it to be him I’m abusing. Everything is in the relationship we share.
So after he took off the mask I spent a large part of the evening petting him, stroking his face and hair, holding him and that felt right to me. Because to know he’s mine I have to be able to see him.
Mat often says “Bad Domme” to me, as a term of endearment. It means I’ve been the right sort of evil to him. I take it as a compliment and throw it back playfully to him on occasion. Still, I’m not always entirely comfortable being described that way.
On the other hand, I’ve been feeling for a long while now that my current on-line identity no longer fits. Names that were chosen when I was purely submissive, chafe and seem uncomfortable now. I need to describe myself better, here and elsewhere.
The trouble is I struggle to define myself. I am loathe to describe myself as “Mistress” or “Domme” I don’t want to feel limited by that. I want to be a good Domme to my boy, but that is not all I am; and I am Mistress to him only, not to the world in general.
I also don’t want to be “Bad”. So many words used to describe kink are negative ones. I don’t want to be “Naughty”, “Dirty” or “Wicked”. I want to be good, loving, caring, kinky, fun, playful, adventurous, sexy, sadistic (in a good way) and loved.
Now if only I can find a name to say all that.
*Obviously Mat can continue to call me Bad Domme all he wants. That’s very different.
It’s been a while but I thought I’d share some answers.
In Real Life
1. Create your perfect job. What do you do?
I work in the theatre; both on and off stage. There’s something about live performance which is as heady to me as the buzz I get from kink. Sometimes those two have a lot in common.
2. What person has changed you for the better?
Everyone who loves me changes me for the better. They’re teaching me to be happier and more relaxed. It’s a slow lesson but I’m working on it.
3. Cat person or dog person?
That’s hard. Cats don’t give as much emotional commitment as dogs but then again I dislike having to pick up shit. Toilet trained puppy?
4. Who is your favourite relative? Why?
I wouldn’t dream of choosing a favourite from my living relatives but the one I miss most is my Grandad. He made me laugh, had adventures with me and helped me be stronger.
5. Mop the floor or iron clothes?
Mop the floor. I get a lot of satisfaction from a clean floor (and I’m better at it).
6. Which would you rather have, a swimming pool or a gardener? Why?
Swimming pool. I want to swim naked.
Bonus: Are you better at giving oral sex or receiving oral sex?
Receiving. Mat can give a much better blow job than me by far.
When Mat and I go out to a play party, our emphasis is on the play, the freedom to express our relationship in ways we cannot day to day.
Sometimes that play involves tieing my boy and hurting him or writing on him with sharpies but sometimes it involves nothing more than having him at my feet and petting him or leaving him locked in a cage while I eat chocolate biscuits.
We were out playing recently and at the end of the evening one of the hosts commented to me “You looked like you were having fun”. I was startled by the comment because it was the second time recently that such a comment had been made to me and it made me wonder what prompted it.
You see, I don’t know what we look like when we play and really I don’t want to. I suspect if I ever watched myself I’d be so embarrassed I’d never be able to pick up a flogger again. In general I don’t even want to be aware of the people watching us. No, I know the first rule of performing is not to meet the audience’s eyes, I don’t need feedback to put me off.
I also don’t know if we play differently from anyone else. I know I aim for enthusiasm. Although my boy assures me at the start of each event that I should do only what I want to, that he would be happy sitting at my feet with his head in my lap all evening if that’s what I wished; I know he is silently (and sometimes not so silently) grading my performance with particular emphasis on using the kit available.
For me what determines how I play is how comfortable I am. In a new venue being shown around helps enormously. I like to know where I am and what is expected and allowed. Arriving early is good too. I like to find a quiet area to warm up gently without too much of an audience, particularly if I’m experimenting with an unfamiliar piece of furniture.
The rest depends on my boy, the more submissive he is the happier I am. Oh I can cope if he’s in an irreverent, humorous mood and I can laugh my way through a flogging with him. But when he’s quiet, submissive and respectful I can let myself go, experiment, play; I can fly.
Then time rushes by and all too soon we realise people are packing up around us and it is time to leave and I smile a floating, happy smile and nod gently when people say I had fun.
So you want to be a Domme? You think it’ll be lovely; a submissive to serve you, to pleasure you, to take whatever pain or pleasure you wish. Here’s what they don’t tell you.
- You will spend hours organising your time and his. As Domme it’s your responsibility to organise play dates and to arrange to take him to events.
- You will need a packing list. Not only will you be packing toys (Flogger? Rope? Cuffs?) but also clothes for you both and all manner of other essentials.
- You will end up carrying heavy bags of toys. Sure, he’s your submissive, he could do it but when he’s tied over some piece of equipment or blindfolded in a dungeon, trust me, you’ll be carrying your own kit. Plus do you really want to give him a chance to find out which toys you packed?
- You will be providing cake. Find out what your submissive prefers because it’ll be your job to supply it after a play session or whenever they need it. Believe me, subs get fractious if they don’t get enough cake.
Given all this you might wonder why anyone would bother, why take on such a responsibility? Because, when your boy looks up at you with a mixture of love and pain, when he says “thank you Mistress” after each and every stroke. When he kneels gratefully at your feet with his head in your lap, then, oh yes, you’ll hold him tight and willingly do it all again.
Of course, your submissive may have a slightly different view of things.
My Boy is out tonight and I miss him so much.
The odd thing is that I don’t really want him to be here. I know where he is and what he’s doing tonight. I know how much he’s enjoying himself and I am so happy for him. No, I don’t want him anywhere but where he is.
If (and this is about to get slightly fanciful) a fairy appeared and offered to wave a magic wand and have him spirited back here this second, I’d say “No thank you”. In fact, quite honestly, right now I’d probably wish for him to be out again tomorrow to do the same things again (which would need to be worded very carefully to avoid some kind of time loop paradox).
None of which sounds like missing him at all.
But despite all that, I’m acutely aware of the Mat shaped place in my heart which he fills. I’m thinking of all the wonderful ways he makes me happy. I’m thinking, in fact, about how I need him. Somewhere inside my head, I’m curled up, held tightly in his arms and neither of us are letting go.
I miss him.
I miss him so much it hurts but I’m so happy tonight that I can.