Jealous of My Prerogatives

I write this knowing that Mat is going to be playing with another domme today and is being filmed doing it. This is not the first time he has done this, with this same woman. Certainly he never promised exclusivity of kink and I can hardly claim any moral right to expect it; nor do I. Moreover my opinion was sought and listened to, and I willingly agreed that he should have this little adventure. I am however finding it a challenging experience in some ways.

This is not some other emotional relationship. If it was I might have expected that she and I would have sat down together over coffee, laughing and chatting, discussing what she might do to my boy. Some of that conversation would obviously be out of Mat’s earshot. Not all of it though, after all we would both want to see him squirm which he does so delightfully. Then I would have some idea what she might be doing with my boy, would feel I had some part in it.

Instead this is far more of a businesslike arrangement with a woman I have never met. I don’t even know whether she knows of my existence, probably she knows Mat has a domme, but she certainly doesn’t know me as a person. As such, I feel excluded and I find I also feel jealous of my prerogatives. Mat is after all mine, my boy, my puppy, my little one and I am responsible for taking care of him.

Still, I have let him go. Trusting that he will return. Slightly soiled and abused admittedly. Trusting that he will come and kneel at my feet and look up at me, my adoring submissive boy still.

He is, after all, mine.

Envy Is Not Jealousy

I like words. I enjoy finding the right word for a particular concept, even if admittedly I don’t always succeed. Certainly I consider the difference between envy and jealousy to be important, even when common usage makes it hard to determine what the meaning should be. In reality though it’s simple. Jealousy is felt over something you have, envy is felt over something you don’t have (but want).

Jealousy is talked about a lot in polyamory. It is considered to be a bad emotion. Uncontrollable jealousy, the inability to share someone you love would be fatal indeed to a polyamorous relationship. In reality though, a little jealousy can be handled, with care and communication. After all everyone is looking out for it and trying to control and tame it.

In comparison I’ve not yet seen any significant discussion of envy. It seems to me just as troublesome as jealousy in its own way. When someone you love has something you want, something you cannot share. That’s hard to deal with. I honestly don’t know how to work through that. Controlling your own envy of others is hard, but harder still, how do you help someone else? How do you reassure someone who is envious of your relationships? How do you make them feel better?

Playing down the value of what you have is one option, or hiding the cause of envy from them. Neither are options I see as helpful or healthy for anyone.

What does that leave I wonder?