Feelings are such difficult things. You think you’ve got a handle on them, then they slip away, sliding through your fingers, chuckling as they tug at your heart.
On reflecting on my current relationships, or even proto-relationships. I’ve realised that I have been setting my expectations too low. I’ve been harbouring a sense that my desire for people to share my life with, and not just my body was unrealistic. That I should instead accept whatever attentions I can get, accepting that as a substitute for the perceived unattainable emotional connection I long for.
Perhaps it’s due to my inability to see myself as attractive.
My sexual attractiveness is not in doubt. The evidence there is such that even I have to (finally) accept that I’m pretty, sexy, and quite a lot of fun to play with.
The sort of attractiveness that counts though, the being desired as a friend and girlfriend and not just a lover is something I find harder to accept.
I believe that anyone who really gets to know me will reject me. Everybody does. I don’t have enough to offer anyone. I simply don’t know how to have a relationship any more.
Obviously Perrin is an exception to all these views, but I genuinely don’t understand what he sees in me, so how can I possibly believe, and even more, accept, that anyone else will see it too.
It seems greedy too, to want more than Perrin to care for me. He gives me so much, how unreasonable to ask the universe for more of the same.
Still, I need to remember that it’s ok to say no. That I have a choice. That I don’t have to settle for second best. That I’m worth loving, even if I don’t understand why.
Then I can cherish the people who love me as they deserve.
After a lovely Christmas with my family, we had arranged to spend the new year with our oldest (and best friends). Its something we’ve been both looking forward to and dreading for some time. Looking forward to, because we hadn’t seen our friends in far too long, and dreading because, though they are our best friends, they knew nothing of our new(ish)ly discovered kink and polyamory.
So it was with much trepidation that we made the journey to their house. We had decided, you see, that we could not go on hiding this side of our lives from them.
Our friends were as lovely as they always are, and fed us a lovely meal, and provided much good wine. It was, much later into the evening (or was it morning by then?) until we could finally summon the courage to admit our new found sexual freedom.
The thing about Real Friends, though, is that they are understanding, both of your personal ups and downs, mistakes, and large surprises, such as coming out as poly.
We are very lucky to have such friends, especially those who we shared the new year with. We should have told them much sooner. Of course they would have understood 🙂
Perrin has written here about his difficulties with a long distance relationship.
I too struggle with that in my own way. I am very aware of my fear of abandonment. Irrational it may be, but it is deeply rooted in my life and cannot simply be ignored.
It took literally years for me to trust that Perrin would stay with me. He would say to me ‘Trust me’ and I would tell him then that I did trust him, as much as I could trust anybody, knowing that was not enough. Even now believing in him as I do to the depths of my soul I still find the occasional doubt surfacing and needing to be banished.
When I find submission hard though and I struggle against him, he now says to me ‘Trust me’ and it is both a challenge and reassurance. I let go then, and let him take me where he wills.
Still each relationship must build its own trust, and for me that is a hard process every time. I struggle to believe in love, that I am lovable or loved. I know that in itself makes me harder to love. On the other hand I do truly appreciate those who make the effort to love me though.
It is not an entirely unconscious process. I make deliberate efforts to trust, to hope, to love despite the dark voices in my head. Because the people I love deserve every effort I can make for them.
So please, forgive me if I get this wrong. I’m doing the best I know how to do. I will try and trust that it will be good enough.
Have we become too used to modern communication?
When I was growing up, you could write to someone, visit them, or phone them. And you couldn’t leave messages on the phone if no one was there. The phone was attached to the wall too (permanently, in our case), so there was no escaping to the privacy or a bedroom.
This meant we all formed our friendships in person. To talk to a friend, you had to arrange a time where you’d either both be near a phone, or meet in person. Everyone would spend time apart from their friends, and really enjoy the times you had with them.
We now have mobile phones, the Internet, email and Twitter. Our friends can follow our actions almost as we make them, whether they be next door, or the other side of the planet. This is a good thing! Rather than being isolated, everyone (with a computer) can express themselves, find like minded individuals, form friendships that were unimaginable just a few years ago.
I think maybe I (we?) might have lost something in this. Where is the trust I used to have, that just because I hadn’t seen my friends for a few weeks over the school holidays, we were no longer friends? Just because a friend has not been in contact, does not mean that they are not a friend, just that you need to catch up.
I write this in part because tomorrow I’m going to be visiting a friend who I have known since I was 12. For most of my adult life, she has been living with her partner, and had been married to him for the last 9 years, or so.
You may note the past tense. In the space between my last contact with her, and now, a gap of over a year, her marriage broke down, and they are now divorced.
While you might argue (rightly imho) that I’ve not been a very good friend, a friend I remain – no question about it, despite the many and various gaps in communication that have occurred in the quarter century that I’ve known her.
I would do well to remember this trust, and apply it to my other friendships, online and offline. Friendships are very important, communication is valuable, but it doesn’t have to happen continuously.
I guess it goes without saying that Perrin and I have an interesting relationship. As such, we’re quite open to experimenting and exploring new types of play.
As always, we tend to discuss and plan extensively, and that preparation tends to ensure things go smoothly for both of us.
Recently a few interesting opportunities have presented themselves. One of these has certainly involved several interesting ‘firsts’, and I’m pleased to find that the result has so far been entirely positive in a number of delightful ways.
However I’m now facing a bit of a dilemma. Yet another exciting opportunity has been offered, and in many ways I’m extremely eager to grasp it. Some aspects of the plan however leave me extremely unsettled and nervous.
It would be easy enough to walk away at this point, but I’m aware that this would disappoint people, and quite honestly I’d hate myself for being a coward. On the other hand I’m simply not sure I’m capable of what is being asked, and I’d really hate to do a bad job, or even worse freeze up completely and be unable to do any job (which is definitely the worst outcome of all).
My usual response to this ‘performance anxiety’ would be to rehearse extensively, but some things you simply can’t rehearse for.
So potentially, one of the best experiences of my life, or possibly one of the worst. What do I do?
I think I look for Perrin’s hand to hold, and see if he can guide me through, as he always has before.
I’ve been thinking a lot about our puppy play last week.
I really enjoyed it, and although it didn’t consciously feel sexy it certainly turned me on, but what’s really on my mind is, well, what was on my mind.
I started off feeling very awkward. One minute I’m doing what I want, and the next I’m expected to kneel down at Perrin’s feet. This is the bit where I want to run away, and say that this is a really silly idea, but there’s no backing out now, so I kneel down obediently.
So (as usual) then, there’s the voice in my head that asks why an independent and capable woman (really I am) is letting some man order her around.
“Because I want to. Go away.”
“And don’t you think you look ridiculous, a woman of your age”, what a hateful phrase that is, “crawling about naked on the floor”.
“Well yes I probably do, but I’m not looking at me”, I’m also not looking at Perrin either. I want to believe I’m sexy like this, but I expect that ridiculous is closer to the mark, and I don’t want to see the look in Perrin’s eyes telling me I’m right.
I’m honestly trying to be a good puppy, but I’ve not got much to go on. Talking is probably not really in character, but he’s not asked me to be silent either, so I end up saying ‘Yes Sir’ to orders but trying not to say anything else.
That of course, gives my inner observer ample opportunity to comment on what’s going on.
“Drinking out of a bowl, what do you look like?”
You see how it goes…
Finally of course, I get deep enough for the voice to fade away, and I can just feel, but I wish it wasn’t so hard to get there…
I’ve always tended to commentate on my own experiences. Even to the point of commentating on my commentating on my own experiences (yes, that is as confusing as it sounds). Sometimes that’s a positive experience, but mostly the voice in my head is a critical one.
I know where in the past those voices come from, but that knowledge isn’t enough to quiet them, and they’re always waiting to torment me.
So, Perrin sent me a (kinky) porn clip to watch recently. I loved it. It was hot, and there were others on the site too, which I loved as well. Anyway, he asked me what I found most sexy about it.
It was then, I realised. In the clip the master is talking the whole time. Instructing, urging, praising, reassuring. The submissive is focused on him. His voice is the commentary to her experience, not her own, and it is a positive one.
Perrin however tends to be silent when we play, and that gives me a silence which I cannot help but fill, as I am filling it now, with thoughts which make me unhappy.
“Stop, stop, stop”.