Recently my submissive side has been begging for attention. The voice in my head reminding me who I am, the yearning to have my wrists bound, to surrender myself into another’s hands, all of these have been insistent reminders of a part of me deeply buried.
Those brief fantasies, flashes of desire are delightful and compelling.
Yet when I contemplate really, physically, experiencing such things I am overcome with panic. I cannot imagine actually submitting to someone, letting go completely, without being tense and stressed at the thought.
I’m so ashamed of these desires.
I want to be reassured, made to feel that it’s OK to feel this way, but comfort is hard to find. No one can tell me that its alright to be submissive, to want to lose myself for a little while in the will of others. No one can tell me that being a slut is OK, that enjoying my sexuality freely and openly does not lower my worth, or reduce my value in the eyes of the people I love. No one can tell me that I am still loved, admired and wanted even after I have allowed myself to be hurt and abused.
I want to be told that, want to believe it, I don’t think I know how.
I am deeply ashamed of my submission but conversely intensely proud of Mat for being submissive. That contradiction puzzles me and I can offer little explanation other than that I want to give him exactly the approval and pride that I want but am lacking for myself.
Still Mat is stronger than I am and more detached. His submission is lighter, more playful. He can bottom freely without shame or fear, merely enjoying the experience. He can happily play with people he isn’t emotionally entwined with knowing he has his own limits and he will quickly stand up to anyone who tries to breach them. Even what he does with me is primarily fun, loving yes, but still, I suspect, much less emotionally meaningful for him than it is to me.
For me both dominance and submission are hugely emotional experiences. I offer too much of myself and let down too many guards. Desperate to be loved I will let my own inner standards be breached in the search for approval and hate myself for doing so. I will read too much into every encounter and be devastated if I do not get sufficient approval and reassurance.
I have no strength of my own. I exist only in the relationships I have with people I love.
One wise man once said “I have submission to give but not to waste“, it’s a phrase that has always stayed with me.
I don’t want to get hurt, don’t want to feel rejected or unworthy or unsafe. The solution seems to be to learn to be casual about it. To bottom selfishly for fun rather than forcing it to be deeply committed. To learn to keep my guard up and protect my soul from being hurt. To learn to enjoy the moment, the sensation, without looking for meaning.
For now that means changing some definitions, learning some new habits, thinking about things in a different way.
In a strange way it means becoming my own Domme, keeping my submission for myself, protecting myself, loving myself.
I have submission to give but not to waste.