Why Asking Is Hard

I’ve already discussed one form of asking for what you want here but it is still something I struggle with.

Theoretically I know that asking is ok, I know too that receiving a “no” is not the end of the world. I recently came across this blog post which describes this here and offers a positive message.

“I deserve good things. I am entitled to my share of happiness. I refuse to beat myself up. I am attractive person. I am fun to be with. I can ask for what I want because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me!”

The problem is that I often don’t feel all those things. I feel that being told “no” means that I have done something wrong. That I have relied on more emotional commitment than there is. That I will be seen as greedy or selfish for asking, and that the other person will resent my demands. I feel that each “no” is a little tally against me and when they reach some unknown value the other person will leave the relationship and that it will be my fault for asking for too much.

Even worse I may get a “yes” but it will be a grudging resentful yes, and that invisible tally count will mount up just the same.

So really the only safe ground is to only ask for things you’re very sure they wish to give. Perhaps if I give everything and don’t demand too much I will be loved, perhaps then they’ll stay with me.

This little voice, this certainty that affection is weighed and measured, is hard to shift. Even knowing that my own love is freely given does not allow me to truly believe that I am loved unconditionally. Without that confidence asking for anything is very, very hard.

Can I have a hug please?

Inner Voices

I’ve been thinking a lot about our puppy play last week.
I really enjoyed it, and although it didn’t consciously feel sexy it certainly turned me on, but what’s really on my mind is, well, what was on my mind.

I started off feeling very awkward. One minute I’m doing what I want, and the next I’m expected to kneel down at Perrin’s feet. This is the bit where I want to run away, and say that this is a really silly idea, but there’s no backing out now, so I kneel down obediently.

So (as usual) then, there’s the voice in my head that asks why an independent and capable woman (really I am) is letting some man order her around.
“Because I want to. Go away.”
“And don’t you think you look ridiculous, a woman of your age”, what a hateful phrase that is, “crawling about naked on the floor”.
“Well yes I probably do, but I’m not looking at me”, I’m also not looking at Perrin either. I want to believe I’m sexy like this, but I expect that ridiculous is closer to the mark, and I don’t want to see the look in Perrin’s eyes telling me I’m right.
I’m honestly trying to be a good puppy, but I’ve not got much to go on. Talking is probably not really in character, but he’s not asked me to be silent either, so I end up saying ‘Yes Sir’ to orders but trying not to say anything else.
That of course, gives my inner observer ample opportunity to comment on what’s going on.
“Drinking out of a bowl, what do you look like?”
You see how it goes…
Finally of course, I get deep enough for the voice to fade away, and I can just feel, but I wish it wasn’t so hard to get there…

I’ve always tended to commentate on my own experiences. Even to the point of commentating on my commentating on my own experiences (yes, that is as confusing as it sounds). Sometimes that’s a positive experience, but mostly the voice in my head is a critical one.
I know where in the past those voices come from, but that knowledge isn’t enough to quiet them, and they’re always waiting to torment me.

So, Perrin sent me a (kinky) porn clip to watch recently. I loved it. It was hot, and there were others on the site too, which I loved as well. Anyway, he asked me what I found most sexy about it.
It was then, I realised. In the clip the master is talking the whole time. Instructing, urging, praising, reassuring. The submissive is focused on him. His voice is the commentary to her experience, not her own, and it is a positive one.

Perrin however tends to be silent when we play, and that gives me a silence which I cannot help but fill, as I am filling it now, with thoughts which make me unhappy.

“Stop, stop, stop”.