Earlier this week I was scanning a news site when I saw the headline “Tom Daley in relationship with man”. I did a double take.
I know who Tom Daley is. He’s a lovely young lad who was one of our Olympic swimming heroes, but I couldn’t understand what the story was.
My brain tried again. Perhaps the ‘man’ was much older, some sort of sexual predator, that seemed a vaguely topical possibility, but the headline surely would have been clearer? Confused, I clicked on the link and read the story in question.
It turned out Tom Daley has posted a you tube video saying (and I paraphrase) “I have a boyfriend and I’m very happy”. That’s a story? Really? A young man has a happy relationship and that’s news? Would it be news if I said “I have a boyfriend and I’m very happy”?
Well actually of course, in some circles it would. Indeed, only the next day I found myself in conversation with someone (who knew I had a husband) saying pretty much exactly that.
In the circumstances it was the only thing to say. Anyone who has seen me with Mat can tell our relationship is a close one and rather than feel like the subject of speculation and, most likely, misunderstanding I wanted to be honest. I could have avoided explaining but such an evasion would have left exactly the sort of misunderstanding I wanted to avoid.
I was lucky, the news was received as I would have hoped with a level of humour and acceptance that allows me the freedom to be myself. It’s a pleasant relief that Tom Daley’s story appears to have been received likewise.
And that is a good feeling. So while relationship revelations shouldn’t have to be news, sometimes they really are.
My Boy is out tonight and I miss him so much.
The odd thing is that I don’t really want him to be here. I know where he is and what he’s doing tonight. I know how much he’s enjoying himself and I am so happy for him. No, I don’t want him anywhere but where he is.
If (and this is about to get slightly fanciful) a fairy appeared and offered to wave a magic wand and have him spirited back here this second, I’d say “No thank you”. In fact, quite honestly, right now I’d probably wish for him to be out again tomorrow to do the same things again (which would need to be worded very carefully to avoid some kind of time loop paradox).
None of which sounds like missing him at all.
But despite all that, I’m acutely aware of the Mat shaped place in my heart which he fills. I’m thinking of all the wonderful ways he makes me happy. I’m thinking, in fact, about how I need him. Somewhere inside my head, I’m curled up, held tightly in his arms and neither of us are letting go.
I miss him.
I miss him so much it hurts but I’m so happy tonight that I can.
I get PMT. As a teenager being pre-menstrual meant sore breasts and bad headaches. I appear to have largely grown out of such reactions somewhere along the way. Then I went on the pill and avoided periods, PMT and sexual desire altogether. Not actually such a good trade.
Now my sex drive is back and with it the PMT. This time however it involves mood swings, irritability, irrational tearfulness and the dark thoughts that the world would be better off without me.
I can’t express how much I hate these moods that seem to take me over without my consent or control. Once the penny finally drops and I realise that this is what is going on it becomes a little easier to deal with and after all in a week or so all will be well again. Until next month.
In the meantime I want to focus on the things that make me happy:
- Christmas lights lighting up my house.
- Hugs, lots and lots of hugs.
- Perrin bringing me my morning cup of coffee.
- Lying in bed and listening to Mat and Perrin chatting together in the distance as they work together on something.
- The beautiful bathrooms my husband makes for me.
- My boy’s head in my lap when he’s just waking up.
- Singing (when I can just relax and not worry about being overheard).
- Late night cocoa made by my boy, especially the spontaneous, unexpected cup where he’s just guessed (always correctly) that I need some.
- Surprises, adventures and crazy plans.
- Almost everything Perrin cooks (he knows what the rare exceptions are).
- Flowers, especially late night Tesco ones (I approve of bargains).
- Everyone I love together, relaxed and happy.
- My boy kneeling at my feet and looking up at me with love.
- Blogging and having something to say.
- Making lists of things that make me happy.
What are the things that make you happy? Or is it the people that matter?