Stripped

There is a moment during the ride to orgasm when fantasy opens up, when anything seems possible and desirable. After the wave of pleasure has crashed over you, lying there spent, the sober mind is frightened by the depth of images conjured up, yet they retain such power still.

I want submission, total and overpowering. I want to be stripped naked, deprived of clothes, of voice, of human protections. To be thrown at his feet to serve. Fed scraps from his hand or a bowl at his feet. Humiliated. My body his plaything. Tortured. Surrendering to pain, each emotion torn away and discarded, each thought replaced with the eternal present. Used. Surrendering to his pleasure, feeling his delight in his creature, his creation. Degraded. My own desire pushing me on, performing such service, willingly offering myself, beyond my limits, desiring to please. Possessed. Dominated. Stripped.

When I am spent, sobbing at his feet, empty of myself and yet totally fulfilled, I want to be gathered up, comforted with softness and love, knowing I have truly earned his approval and affection.

Entering the Fairytale Forest

We attended the Bedtime Stories party this weekend. The setting was a fairytale forest and as it was the first actively kinky party we’ve attended, that felt very appropriate.

I was very nervous as we set off into the darkness of the evening unsure what we might find, but grateful I had Perrin there to protect me.

To my surprise however, we arrived at a beautiful place, with friendly faces, and no sign of monsters.

I must say what a beautifully organised party it was. All of the performances were fantastic. The whole atmosphere was relaxed, welcoming and a lot of fun.
Any fears I had of being unduly pressured into participating were soon dispelled, instead

I was able to observe, absorb and enjoy. Of course observation can be its own kind of participation too.

It seems this forest is a wonderful place to play. I hope to get the opportunity to explore it further in the future.

New Experiences

I guess it goes without saying that Perrin and I have an interesting relationship. As such, we’re quite open to experimenting and exploring new types of play.

As always, we tend to discuss and plan extensively, and that preparation tends to ensure things go smoothly for both of us.

Recently a few interesting opportunities have presented themselves. One of these has certainly involved several interesting ‘firsts’, and I’m pleased to find that the result has so far been entirely positive in a number of delightful ways.

However I’m now facing a bit of a dilemma. Yet another exciting opportunity has been offered, and in many ways I’m extremely eager to grasp it. Some aspects of the plan however leave me extremely unsettled and nervous.

It would be easy enough to walk away at this point, but I’m aware that this would disappoint people, and quite honestly I’d hate myself for being a coward. On the other hand I’m simply not sure I’m capable of what is being asked, and I’d really hate to do a bad job, or even worse freeze up completely and be unable to do any job (which is definitely the worst outcome of all).

My usual response to this ‘performance anxiety’ would be to rehearse extensively, but some things you simply can’t rehearse for.

So potentially, one of the best experiences of my life, or possibly one of the worst. What do I do?

I think I look for Perrin’s hand to hold, and see if he can guide me through, as he always has before.

Disobedience

So there Perrin and I are, in the bath, relaxing and talking, and I make some comment asking how he sees me as a submissive.

“Disobedient”

Ouch!

“And you give me a lot of back chat.”

I laughed, and made some suitably cheeky rejoinder, but I was hiding startlement, and hurt.

I’ve not thought of myself as disobedient. On the contrary, I make a point of not disobeying a direct order. Admittedly I’ve bent a couple rather far, but there was a genuine struggle to obey there, and I still didn’t actually break them. So it was rather a shock, and unpleasant to hear myself described that way.

I know what Perrin meant though. I’ll hesitate. Question him. Wait until he repeats it more sternly. Make a jokey comment. Then I’ll do what he asked, eventually. Naturally, I want to justify this behaviour; but quite honestly, he’s right. I’m being disobedient, and disrespectful, and it’s not good enough.

I’ve always said I’d have been useless in the army, because unquestioning obedience isn’t something I can do. Which does rather beg the question, why am I trying to develop a relationship which requires exactly that? Do I want to be truly obedient?

The answer by the way, is yes. I do. But it’s an answer that comes with that feeling in the pit of your stomach, when you know something is going to hurt very much but you’re going to have to do it anyway (I assume other people get that feeling, but maybe it’s just me). Perrin is my Master, by my choice, and I’ve chosen carefully. I trust him more than I trust myself. But still I’m frightened.

My hesitation is a measure of control, and an appearance of choice. It is a resistance to submission. To obey requires another letting go; not once, but again and again. I don’t know if I have the strength.

Perrin hasn’t punished my disobedience yet, and I hope I’m submissive enough to let him if he chose to, but I don’t want it to come to that. Partly (if I’m honest) because I’m a pampered slave girl, and he could so easily take my privileges away and I really wouldn’t enjoy that. Mostly though, I don’t want him to have to train me to do what should come naturally. This is something I have to give him, from myself. This is what I strive to be.

All I want, is next time I ask him how he sees me, is for him to say “Obedient” and “a good girl”.

Ebb and Flow

Up until the last few days Perrin and I have been at fever pitch. While that obsessively sexy feeling is fantastic, as I’ve already commented it cannot last forever, and I realised that I needed to accept that and allow it to happen.

Intellectually recognising the need for an ebb and flow of D/s is different from accepting it emotionally. Yet again, it requires trust and effort. I’m beginning to recognise those words as cornerstones of what we are building here.

It’s been interesting for me, consciously trying to allow it to fade, to settle into a place where other things, real world things, can happen. My instinct is to fight the fading of the D/s dynamic, out of fear that it will slip away entirely and be lost. I’ve struggled with myself to overcome that fear, and Perrin has been patient and understanding yet again. We’ve discussed it too, noticing where the dynamic has been, unspoken, throughout our relationship; allowing us to understand where the formalised relationship fits into the complex jigsaw that is ‘us’.

All of which brings me to an interesting place. To accept the ebb and flow, both to let go, and harder still, not to resist the pull of the returning tide. A challenge, but one I am eager to embrace.

Fear of Falling

The past month has been a very intense one for our relationship. While I think that was very necessary given the disconnection we have experienced, yesterday was the first time I considered that at some point we were going to have to dial things back a notch to leave more time to deal with ‘real world’ things.

As I considered that, I was overwhelmed with a feeling of panic and horror. I looked, as if from the outside, at our recent activities, at Perrin’s implacable demands, his sometimes harsh treatment of me, and of my eager acceptance of it all. I was suddenly aware of how vulnerable I truly was. I felt as if I was on the edge of a huge chasm of madness and pain, brought there by my Master, with only his arms to prevent me falling, and yet knowing he could so easily push me over the edge.

In previous times, I have had this feeling, and I have run away. Denying my submission and refusing to engage any further in it. The result is hurt and pain all round, and yet inevitably in time the cycle has repeated.

This year though, I have made myself a resolution (and I never make New Year’s resolutions), that I will not lie to myself and deny that I am submissive. Mastered or not, I will be honest about myself to myself. Facing that, I knew I could not run away this time. Instead I went to Perrin and told him I was frightened. His reassurance was warm and loving, and gave me the confidence I need to stand firm.

I have learned two things, one, that I am brave enough not to run from myself, and two, that I trust Perrin enough not to run from him. Those are things I want to remember.