Life Is Pain

“Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.”

Certainly relationships are pain. There is a simple inevitability to this. Any relationship is going cause pain, the deeper the love the more pain. And in the end, death or break up is inevitable. Someone is going to suffer.
In general, this is something I try not to think about. I try to live in the moment, to enjoy the now. Sometimes though something will remind me, that the future is coming and I cannot stop it.

“Well,” said Pooh, “what I like best,” and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn’t know what it was called.”

Anticipation is a powerful thing. The anticipation of pleasure, can indeed be more powerful than the pleasure itself. Good sex feeds on this. Building expectation, delaying orgasm, revelling in the moments before, more intensely addictive than the moments after.
Anticipation of pleasure is delightful. Anticipation of pain is terrifying.

“Cowards die many times before their deaths”

I hate that saying, because it is true. Seeing the end coming, suffering the anticipation of it. Knowing it is inevitable, only the timing is uncertain.
I’m the kind of person who saves the best till last. I will eat the cake before the icing. But here is something I cannot choose to do. I cannot take the pain first, and leave the pleasure for the end.
Instead I must enjoy the pleasure in the moment. Trying not to let the fear of pain to come overpower me.

Exploring the Darkness

So this post by Mina about emotional distance in relationships made me start thinking about how I view my D/s.

Perrin and I love each other very much. He is my husband, and we share real world joys and sorrows. He is also my Master, I belong to him. I can’t imagine it any other way. I can trust him with all of me. The one person I know who can see into the dark places in my soul and still love me. More than that, he can and does encourage me to explore and map them, and supports me when I need help.

That said, my submission to him is perpetual, and complete. I may however explore submission to others, without that loving bond, in different ways.

Perrin can of course decide to involve someone else. In that case my submission is still to Perrin, but he may choose to use another person as a tool, much as he might use a paddle on me. For me, I think, this would require a strong sense of Perrin’s control, to carry me through the scene, and a great deal of reassurance afterwards.

I can submit to somebody else directly, for a limited encounter. For me to do this, requires me to know them as a person. I need of course to be able to trust them not to harm me, physically or emotionally. It also requires me to feel for them. My submission, after all, is a gift. For me to give it, requires that I care for the recipient enough to give them a special part of myself. To reveal my inner self to them. I also need to want to please them. My submission comes with a desire to be the ‘good girl’; to end having received approval for my behaviour, appreciation of my gift. Most of all, I want to have given pleasure.
If I don’t care about them at all, why would I bother.

In either case, involving someone who does not have Perrin’s bond with me is a risk. It is playing without an emotional safety net. It is giving up assurance of approval, and comfort. It is looking into the darkness.
Why would I even consider doing this?
Because it fascinates me. Because it takes my submission to another level. I am just a plaything, not a lover.
Because it frightens me. I don’t know how much my heart can stand by, while I surrender myself.
Because it is a fantasy. It is intense and powerful.
Because it is fun!

I am however cheating slightly. Because through all of this, my Master is there. Encouraging, approving my explorations and I know, ready to pick up the pieces of my heart.

So it seems I can’t do without love after all.

Stripped

There is a moment during the ride to orgasm when fantasy opens up, when anything seems possible and desirable. After the wave of pleasure has crashed over you, lying there spent, the sober mind is frightened by the depth of images conjured up, yet they retain such power still.

I want submission, total and overpowering. I want to be stripped naked, deprived of clothes, of voice, of human protections. To be thrown at his feet to serve. Fed scraps from his hand or a bowl at his feet. Humiliated. My body his plaything. Tortured. Surrendering to pain, each emotion torn away and discarded, each thought replaced with the eternal present. Used. Surrendering to his pleasure, feeling his delight in his creature, his creation. Degraded. My own desire pushing me on, performing such service, willingly offering myself, beyond my limits, desiring to please. Possessed. Dominated. Stripped.

When I am spent, sobbing at his feet, empty of myself and yet totally fulfilled, I want to be gathered up, comforted with softness and love, knowing I have truly earned his approval and affection.

Entering the Fairytale Forest

We attended the Bedtime Stories party this weekend. The setting was a fairytale forest and as it was the first actively kinky party we’ve attended, that felt very appropriate.

I was very nervous as we set off into the darkness of the evening unsure what we might find, but grateful I had Perrin there to protect me.

To my surprise however, we arrived at a beautiful place, with friendly faces, and no sign of monsters.

I must say what a beautifully organised party it was. All of the performances were fantastic. The whole atmosphere was relaxed, welcoming and a lot of fun.
Any fears I had of being unduly pressured into participating were soon dispelled, instead

I was able to observe, absorb and enjoy. Of course observation can be its own kind of participation too.

It seems this forest is a wonderful place to play. I hope to get the opportunity to explore it further in the future.

New Experiences

I guess it goes without saying that Perrin and I have an interesting relationship. As such, we’re quite open to experimenting and exploring new types of play.

As always, we tend to discuss and plan extensively, and that preparation tends to ensure things go smoothly for both of us.

Recently a few interesting opportunities have presented themselves. One of these has certainly involved several interesting ‘firsts’, and I’m pleased to find that the result has so far been entirely positive in a number of delightful ways.

However I’m now facing a bit of a dilemma. Yet another exciting opportunity has been offered, and in many ways I’m extremely eager to grasp it. Some aspects of the plan however leave me extremely unsettled and nervous.

It would be easy enough to walk away at this point, but I’m aware that this would disappoint people, and quite honestly I’d hate myself for being a coward. On the other hand I’m simply not sure I’m capable of what is being asked, and I’d really hate to do a bad job, or even worse freeze up completely and be unable to do any job (which is definitely the worst outcome of all).

My usual response to this ‘performance anxiety’ would be to rehearse extensively, but some things you simply can’t rehearse for.

So potentially, one of the best experiences of my life, or possibly one of the worst. What do I do?

I think I look for Perrin’s hand to hold, and see if he can guide me through, as he always has before.