I’ve Lost My Way

When I started this blog and the associated (then open) twitter account. I was hoping to find people who were also kinky, people to talk to, people like me. To feel less alone in this world.

Yet since those days, things have changed. My kink sexuality has switched directions, I have needed to make the twitter account private. Still I have continued to write here still seeking to make connections.

The situation is exacerbated by real life limitations. I find myself often unable to attend the few suitable kink events I know about, unable to find readily available alternatives. I’m too poor to simply hire a dungeon, tempting as that is and it is hard to find space, time and focus at home to play without work or social responsibilities intruding. All of which leaves my online life as a significant part of my kinky self.

So now I find myself feeling lonelier than ever. The people who read this blog now are not the ones who were there when I started and why ever you read, few of you feel moved to comment, to encourage or even to criticise (many thanks to all of you who do). On twitter, few people respond to my tweets, and many of the people I wish to talk to cannot see me (even if I respond to them).

All of which leaves me wondering what I should do next. I cannot significantly change how I write, after all, I am who I am, but still if I knew what would interest people I would love to open a dialogue here. I would love to read more blogs by people who would be interested in my comments to them, if only I knew how to find them. I could open my twitter account, and perhaps more people would find me or respond to me but then the people I follow are presumably not interested in me or they would already follow me back. They may indeed have followed and unfollowed already who can say.

I genuinely don’t know what to do. I find myself alone, a girl learning to be a Domme, with no one to ask for advice, no encouragement, only a growing sense of loneliness and inadequacy.

All advice gratefully received.

I Answer a Few Questions

Cherry Doll posted these questions on FetLife; they are her questions as a submissive. They fascinated me because some of them are questions I would ask as a submissive, some are questions I would love to be asked as a Domme and some are simply good questions for any relationship at all.
I don’t know Cherry personally so I’ve attempted to answer them as though they were being asked by a hypothetical* submissive of mine.

1. When you ask questions while you’re fucking/beating/whatevering me, do you really want me to answer?
In general yes. Certainly if the question is ‘are you ok?’. If it sounds more rhetorical then perhaps you just thinking about it is enough but if I repeat it then answer me.

2. How would you like me to give you feedback? (Both positive and negative.)
While holding me close or at least touching me skin-to-skin. The closer we are physically the easier it is for me to listen to you. Put me at arms length and I’ll get defensive (yes even of positive comments).

3. Do I always have permission to say no/stop/slow down regardless of the action or our relationship?
Always. I’d like it to be in a way that we can exit gracefully together but if you need something to stop then it does.

4. What do you think about my hair? Honestly.
You already know. I love stroking it and pulling it, isn’t that answer enough.

5. Will you do that thing that you love with me? Not only with me, but definitely with me.
Oh yes. I love to share the things I enjoy.

6. Will you sometimes do that thing that I love with me?
Equally yes, assuming it’s possible, if not I’ll share the fantasy with you.

7. Will you use me (beat on me/tie me up/smack me around/fuck me) even though maybe I didn’t do anything “wrong” or “right” or even though it’s not a play party but just because it feels good and makes all the other bullshit seem way more like trivial bullshit?
Yes, yes, yes. This. I want to use you because it feels good, because it makes the rest of the world less stressful and less important. I want to use you because it makes me feel centred, connected to you. It’s not a reward or a punishment, it’s just us.

8. If I’m generally quiet, but you like noise, and you tell me to be louder, do you want me to … fake reactions? Do you want me to just turn up my amp and scream more? Do you want me to ask you to do more of what you’re doing?
Don’t ever fake a reaction to me, how can I know what works for you if you do that. I love listening to the noises you make naturally, especially the little tiny ones. Just be yourself.

9. How would you like to hear that I want to spend more time with you?
‘I’d like to spend more time with you’. Just tell me.

10. How would you like to hear that I’m feeling a bit jealous and would like your help working through it?
‘I’m feeling a bit jealous, can you work through it with me?’ Directness is only going to help here.

11. How can I tell you that I’m scared but I don’t want you to stop?
‘I’m a bit scared’. That’s likely to get reassurance and double checking (‘are you ok?’). Scared can be good fun though, I won’t actually stop unless you then ask me too.

12. If we’re in public, and I hear or see you doing something that contradicts what you’ve done or said previously, or if I know it to be wrong, how would you like me to let you know?
Gently (see #2). Privately if you can, my ego is easily bruised, but please do tell me.

13. Is it ok for me to ask for things?
Always. I’m not a mind reader; the more you let me know what you want the more I can try and ensure both of us get what we want.

14. Even silly things sometimes?
Especially silly things. I’d love to make silly things happen for you.

15. How can I thank you for this?
By asking me questions when you need to and answering mine honestly and openly.

*Who is clearly not entirely dissimilar to Mat except that he wouldn’t ask these questions.

Relationships and communication

Have we become too used to modern communication?

When I was growing up, you could write to someone, visit them, or phone them. And you couldn’t leave messages on the phone if no one was there. The phone was attached to the wall too (permanently, in our case), so there was no escaping to the privacy or a bedroom.

This meant we all formed our friendships in person. To talk to a friend, you had to arrange a time where you’d either both be near a phone, or meet in person. Everyone would spend time apart from their friends, and really enjoy the times you had with them.

We now have mobile phones, the Internet, email and Twitter. Our friends can follow our actions almost as we make them, whether they be next door, or the other side of the planet. This is a good thing! Rather than being isolated, everyone (with a computer) can express themselves, find like minded individuals, form friendships that were unimaginable just a few years ago.

And yet…

I think maybe I (we?) might have lost something in this. Where is the trust I used to have, that just because I hadn’t seen my friends for a few weeks over the school holidays, we were no longer friends? Just because a friend has not been in contact, does not mean that they are not a friend, just that you need to catch up.

I write this in part because tomorrow I’m going to be visiting a friend who I have known since I was 12. For most of my adult life, she has been living with her partner, and had been married to him for the last 9 years, or so.

You may note the past tense. In the space between my last contact with her, and now, a gap of over a year, her marriage broke down, and they are now divorced.

While you might argue (rightly imho) that I’ve not been a very good friend, a friend I remain – no question about it, despite the many and various gaps in communication that have occurred in the quarter century that I’ve known her.

I would do well to remember this trust, and apply it to my other friendships, online and offline. Friendships are very important, communication is valuable, but it doesn’t have to happen continuously.