Waking up

This morning, I’ve come to a realisation. It’s been a bit of a painful process, though I think I’ve not done too badly, all things considered.

Readers of this blog will be aware that towards the end of last year, I (and Caitlin) split up with the gorgeous Amy. My relationship with her was intense; physically, emotionally and D/s. It’s taken a while for me to recover from.

The final part of that happened last night, or more accurately when I woke up this morning.

Last night Caitlin and I went to a lovely play party held by the nice folks at After Pandora. I should have had a really good time, and I did… mostly. I left, however, feeling rubbish. This was entirely my fault, though it was through this black aura that, with Caitlin’s help, I have regained my sense of self belief, and my confidence as a Dom that I had been lacking since splitting up with Amy.

You want some more details? Well here they are:

My polyamorous relationship with Caitlin has been transforming from something that we were considering, evaluating, into something that is definitely looking right for us. As I speak, Caitlin is entertaining our house guest (her boyfriend) in the spare room, and by the sounds of things, both of them are having a lot of fun. I wouldn’t admit it at the time, but this had bothered me a bit the last time it happened. I had a feeling of envy that I thought was because she was getting all the fun, but I now recognise was actually jealousy. The questions going round my mind were ones of ‘how do I compete with the fantastic time Mat is giving her’.

Of course, it is not a competition. Though I do recognise now that I had lost my mojo rather, which does bring us on to last night. At the party I met a lovely lady, whom I certainly hope I’ll talk to (and see)  lots more. But, because I have been in this rather indeterminate state, I rather ignored Caitlin. Now, we’d attended the party to have fun time, and part of that was meeting other people, so this was not, in itself, a problem, but we’d talked about some things that I’d wanted to happen, specifically, I’d wanted to have my cock sucked while people had been watching.

To cut a longish story short I was getting a little tired, and had decided that it was probably time to go when I came across Caitlin just having had sex with one of her friends with benefits. Again, this was completely with our agreed bounds, but instead of being my Dominant self, and insisting that she repeat her efforts with me, I got hugely jealous, spoiled my evening, and left in a huff with her in tow (Apologies to her beau are in order).

I, to be frank, was fucking stupid. I could have turned this rather hot image in front of me into some really hot sex. *sigh*

Caitlin reminded me before we went to sleep, myself still in a terrible mood that she was mine, and if I’d wanted her, I should have just taken her.

Sometime we need to be given a slap round the face, and this is what I required. With those words, she put in place the necessary things for me to sort my house in order.

I’m back, and it feels great!

P.S. I do hope I’ve not put off the lovely lady I met with my indecisive behaviour, I’d like to get to know her better 😉

Lovers, Old and New

Last night, Caitlin and I were lying in bed cuddling and talking about the recent changes in our lives. Caitlin is forming a relationship with another man, and we started to discuss what that would be like.

Talking about her going out with him turned me on immensely, and it was not long before we were making love. At this point I started thinking about the beginnings of my relationship with Amy. The particular moment is when I first spent the night with her alone. It was an occasion we had been waiting for and anticipating for some time, and we had some amazing sex. It was a night I am not likely to forget!

Making love to Caitlin, I shared my thoughts with her. I know that it may seem odd to some people reading this, but sharing feelings about making love to someone else during sex is not something that we have a problem with.

On that night, back in the summer, when Amy and I were entwined, Caitlin was not in my thoughts. Amy and I shared an amazing moment of passion, and during that, speaking for myself, my thoughts were entirely with her. I had some very nice thoughts of Caitlin later, though. 🙂

Relating this to Caitlin, I wanted her to understand that when her new man was making love to her, as I was then, his cock between her legs, her arms around him, it is entirely fine, and, indeed, proper, to not be thinking of me, and, instead, enjoying that special moment of sharing your body with another. Get lost in the passion, and not feel guilt, because I wholeheartedly approve.

With these thoughts of passion with others, firmly in our heads, we both had an amazing shared orgasm.

Breaking the Chain

This is a post I was never looking forward to writing, but its time has come.

Amy has decided that she no longer wishes to be in a relationship with us.
In many ways that was always inevitable. She was never really in a position to accept the kind of relationship we really wanted to have. We made do with brief moments and stolen kisses, without ever having the time to develop the communication to support the emotion involved.

Now her life has taken a turn, such that in that great political phrase she ‘needs to spend more time with her family’. Something had to give and we were the something.
While I feel sad that something is over, I am truly happy looking back at the wonderful times we had. I’m sure she will remember them with pleasure too.

As with any relationship there are always things to be learned. So what do I take from this.

Firstly that a much higher proportion of the relationship time should be taken up with communication rather than sex.

Secondly that in a multi person relationship, communication means everybody in a room talking not just two people. Relaying messages leads to misunderstandings.
Also I feel a lack of closure. We started our relationship all three of us together in a pub, it should have ended the three of us together, with hugs and kisses. I would still like to have that meeting.

Thirdly, I am reminded that relationships require commitment and compassion from all parties. When one party has left the relationship emotionally it’s time to move on.

So here I am looking back, at where we have been. There have been many good times. Lots of fun, laughing, drinking, loving, sex of course and new horizons explored. I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

Wow. Thank you Amy. x

Symbols

So somebody wrote a blog post about our girlfriend, Amy. The post was a fantasy, largely imaginary but rooted in some real life events and portraying real people, all of whom I know.

One part of that story upset me very much. In it the protagonist removes  Amy’s collar. I was honestly surprised at the sheer emotional depth of my response.

I am very aware that the author of the blog does not really understand D/s and I would like to think that they were unaware of the upset that writing would cause.  Still it made me wonder, why did that image upset me so much.

Perhaps the best analogy I can use is to compare the collar to a wedding ring. Both are symbols of a relationship. Indeed reading about a burglary in which a widow has had her wedding ring taken from her fingers, the outrage we feel is not caused by the financial value of the theft but rather by the emotional pain caused. Similarly if in a story one character removed another’s wedding ring we, the readers, would take it to show that they did not respect that married relationship (as for instance if they were having an affair).

Our collars have another similarity to a wedding ring, in that removing them is significant. It is Perrin who determines when they are removed, whether in person or by giving explicit permission. A little thing, and yet a symbol of so much.

I think that is why I felt so hurt. I feel as though that relationship has been insulted. And as I wear a matching collar, it is a relationship that I have a share in, which makes it all the harder to read such a story.

While the offence caused was accidental, it certainly highlights how much symbols mean to me. Symbols give me a physical representation of something intangible, and a link to someone precious.

Distance

I have, in pretty much every relationship I’ve had, been either living with the other person, or (at university) been sleeping with them pretty much every night. I think that has caused me some problems in the few relationships I’ve had that didn’t fit this model.

I was a late starter, relationship wise. But when I did finally get a steady girlfriend (call her E), the relationship lasted over a year. Not bad for someone I met in the queue to open a bank account in my first day of university. With E, we had a pretty intense relationship in which we spent almost every night together during the term, and had a few empty weeks missing each other over the holidays.

This was a pattern I was to repeat though my years at university.

When Caitlin and I got together, due to circumstances, she moved straight in with me, and we can’t have spent more than a handful of nights apart since. This has left me, I feel with a slightly different view of relationships to lots of people. As we were thrust together so suddenly, and while very much desired, also quite unexpectedly, we had to cope with all the stresses of living together, with none of the being able to retreat to our own houses for some space.

We really wanted it to work, and so we talked through all the problems and arguments; something that aides us today as we embark on our open relationship.

So, back to the subject. Amy, our girlfriend, does not live that close, and can’t visit nearly as often as we’d all like. So for the first time in my life, I’m having to have a relationship at a distance. Its been very enlightening, and has made me think lots about how I view trust and jealousy.

I, of course, trust Caitlin. We’ve shared so much that it really couldn’t be otherwise. With Amy, though, I’ve had to accept that I’m not there all the time, and have to trust her.

I do, by the way!

Its something that probably comes naturally to most people, but is not something I’ve had to deal with up to now. Amy also has her own life to lead, distinct from Caitlin and mine.

This physical distance also means that contact is quite different to the time I spend with Caitlin. When Amy is with us, the time is finite, and feelings and touches something to savour, as there will be a gap before they can be repeated. It makes for very interesting times.

I’m very happy.