Throughout my life, I’ve felt excluded. To start with, I come from a well off professional family, and I was sent first to prep school, then to be a border at a very nice public school.
Something I’ve only just come to realise is how that has affected me. A problem of going to a private school, quite apart from all your neighbours not going is that the school terms are shorter, and the holidays, therefore longer.
I, therefore, spent lots of my holiday time playing by myself. My parents both worked, (my mother part time) and didn’t have the time to drive me the 15 miles or so to my friends house. Not that I had that many friend’s, as I have always been a bit geeky and shy. I don’t make friends easily.
The result of this is that I’ve always been alone. The outsider. The boy that the girls ask to help with their science homework, but ignore the rest of the time. It’s ok, I guess, I’m used to it now, but I always find large gatherings of people difficult. Parties especially so, though any social gathering where I don’t know many people. I’m too shy and polite to push in (where I’m not wanted), so I end up sitting in a corner, or hovering just outside a conversation.

I’m not quite sure what to do about this.


I think I’m depressed.

That is, feeling worse than just feeling a bit low. I’m not very depressed, certainly not enough (at the moment) to require anything other than the love of Caitlin and support of my friends, but I’m certainly not as happy and as confident as I should be.
The problem with this is that as I’ve been feeling low, I’ve been hiding away. Not talking to friends, and even pushing my beloved Caitlin away at times. I have not been good company.
It’s here that I’m beginning to understand the stigma of admitting depression. Its a disease, like any other, yet why are we so afraid of admitting it? In doing so, and writing about it here, I believe it will help me. I’m lucky that this is only a very mild bout. Some people I’m close to have been on medication for years — that’s no easy thing to deal with. In some ways, its easier to admit that I’m poly and kinky, demonstrably so, in fact, as I’ve been writing about it here for some time!

Now to address some of my symptoms: I have been being very withdrawn and silent. To my friends: I’m sorry about that, please be patient, and understanding if I appear to be ignoring you. I’m not, just unable to provide an answer at this time.

I’m also having problems getting off my arse and doing things, so please feel free to tell me to get on and do something 😉

That’s all for the moment.

Waking up

This morning, I’ve come to a realisation. It’s been a bit of a painful process, though I think I’ve not done too badly, all things considered.

Readers of this blog will be aware that towards the end of last year, I (and Caitlin) split up with the gorgeous Amy. My relationship with her was intense; physically, emotionally and D/s. It’s taken a while for me to recover from.

The final part of that happened last night, or more accurately when I woke up this morning.

Last night Caitlin and I went to a lovely play party held by the nice folks at After Pandora. I should have had a really good time, and I did… mostly. I left, however, feeling rubbish. This was entirely my fault, though it was through this black aura that, with Caitlin’s help, I have regained my sense of self belief, and my confidence as a Dom that I had been lacking since splitting up with Amy.

You want some more details? Well here they are:

My polyamorous relationship with Caitlin has been transforming from something that we were considering, evaluating, into something that is definitely looking right for us. As I speak, Caitlin is entertaining our house guest (her boyfriend) in the spare room, and by the sounds of things, both of them are having a lot of fun. I wouldn’t admit it at the time, but this had bothered me a bit the last time it happened. I had a feeling of envy that I thought was because she was getting all the fun, but I now recognise was actually jealousy. The questions going round my mind were ones of ‘how do I compete with the fantastic time Mat is giving her’.

Of course, it is not a competition. Though I do recognise now that I had lost my mojo rather, which does bring us on to last night. At the party I met a lovely lady, whom I certainly hope I’ll talk to (and see)  lots more. But, because I have been in this rather indeterminate state, I rather ignored Caitlin. Now, we’d attended the party to have fun time, and part of that was meeting other people, so this was not, in itself, a problem, but we’d talked about some things that I’d wanted to happen, specifically, I’d wanted to have my cock sucked while people had been watching.

To cut a longish story short I was getting a little tired, and had decided that it was probably time to go when I came across Caitlin just having had sex with one of her friends with benefits. Again, this was completely with our agreed bounds, but instead of being my Dominant self, and insisting that she repeat her efforts with me, I got hugely jealous, spoiled my evening, and left in a huff with her in tow (Apologies to her beau are in order).

I, to be frank, was fucking stupid. I could have turned this rather hot image in front of me into some really hot sex. *sigh*

Caitlin reminded me before we went to sleep, myself still in a terrible mood that she was mine, and if I’d wanted her, I should have just taken her.

Sometime we need to be given a slap round the face, and this is what I required. With those words, she put in place the necessary things for me to sort my house in order.

I’m back, and it feels great!

P.S. I do hope I’ve not put off the lovely lady I met with my indecisive behaviour, I’d like to get to know her better 😉


I recently asked a lovely young lady for a date (hello, if you are reading this!). Sadly it was declined, but it got me thinking about how my views on dates have changed since my youth.

I last seriously dated in my university days, back in 199*mumble*. The (few) dates I had back then seemed to be much more a prelude to, shall we say, bedroom activities. They were nice, involved lots of snogging, and not that much talking.

Oddly, they, almost exclusively ended up in long-term relationships, despite this!

I’ve been married now for ten years, to the lovely Caitlin, who I have never dated at all. Due to various circumstances, related earlier in this blog, she went from being friend who I was in love with (and married to someone else), to girlfriend I was living with, with no time for dates in between.

My desires for a date have most definitely changed. The urgent, “lets get somewhere private” has definitely receded, and I’m now very much looking for an evening of flirty, interesting conversation, good food and wine, and above all, both parties enjoying an evening out.

And, for a first date, I’d not be wanting anything else to happen either. Something my full-of-hormones 18 year old self would have trouble understanding.

I’ve not asked many people for a date, and only two since in the last 12 years. I think I need some practice.