Not Really Submissive

I’ve been thinking about my ‘submissive’ fantasies and why I have them when I don’t really want to be submissive at all.

Actually when I look at it most (maybe all) of those fantasies are sexual. Let’s face it; ‘nice’ girls aren’t supposed to enjoy sex, these days it’s not even always safe to enjoy sex and anyway Dommes are supposed to be ice queens denying everybody sex.

So, that doesn’t leave many places to go with a slutty sexual fantasy. Whoever I am being, I’m not supposed to be the one being the centre of sexual attention (these days that’s surely Mat’s role) even if I’d like it. Plus while I like the idea of slutty sex (no I’m not putting the details in this post but you could read my fantasies for ideas), where on earth does one find clean, STD-free cock, that comes with an intelligent, considerate and consent aware person on the other end.
Actually, I can find those, but then when you like and respect the person on the other end, I feel rather uncomfortable about asking them to be part of my fantasies (especially if it involves multiple men which experience so far leads me to feel most men are less keen on).

Even the non-sexual aspects of those fantasies are about permission to enjoy myself, to enjoy sensations, pure physical moments without feeling guilty that I’m ‘making’ someone else do something for me, that they’re only doing it to please me, that I’m being selfish for demanding it of them.

Really (and I know some of my readers will throw something at the screen at this point) I don’t want to be a bother to anyone. Fantasies, especially submissive ones, are my way of setting up a scene where I know that I’m not a bother, where I can enjoy getting what I want, without asking and therefore without feeling guilty either for the desire itself or the imposition on someone else’s pleasure.

Whereas in real life I want (and need) to feel in control because trust does not come easy. Plus all that planning and negotiating is sometimes an unreasonable amount of effort for something I can happily enjoy in my head safely, any time I please, without any worries at all.

So fantasies are a great escape into great sex. For me, it doesn’t always need to be real, because in my head it always is.

Author: Caitlin

Geeky, kinky and poly. Discovering my Domme side. Sometimes NSFW and 18+.

2 thoughts on “Not Really Submissive”

  1. Ooh I spawned a blog post and then wasn’t around to see it pop up. Bad me! Well since i’ve finally gotten off my arse and made my own blog, I should at least be keep more up to date now!

    I definitely ‘get’ where you are coming from here. As women there is still a demand on us not to be centre of sexual attention, even when we are encouraged to do so or supposed to be ones with the power in the dynamic.

    Its all sort of bound up (pun intended) with this social oxymoron where we are expected to be ‘hot’ and wear sexy clothes/shoes/makeup/burgers or whatever and put out when a guy buys us dinner/a drink/looks at us funny. But then if a woman that wears the wrong sort of sexy clothes (or burgers) or has sex with as many guys/girls/non gender specific peoples as they feel like its suddenly a big no-no.

    I myself have great trouble initiating sex. Or in even telling my partner(s) that i’m feeling horny. What the f is that about? Why, when I am a confident, powerful, woman in my own right can I not tell one of the men I love that I’d love to do all manner of terribly wonderful things with them right now please thank you, without feeling embarrassed?

    I’ve recently realised that a lot of my own sexual pleasure is routed in the reactions of others and reading your post has made me wonder if that is because I need the feedback that they are enjoying themselves in order to have ‘permission’ to enjoy myself too as i’ve found this is especially true in my role as Domme.

    A role in which, should the fetlife-massive or the BDSM police ever catch me calling myself i’d probably be chucked out on my ear. Ice queen? Dear me. I’m terribly Un-Dommely. I mean who ever heard of a Domme who sucks cock or lets her sub pleasure her until shes a shaking mess? Pah!

    This comment is swiftly turning into a blog post of its own but, here goes, I think you’re wrong. I think there a lots of people in the world that get off on doing things for other people, that absolutely love it when a woman turns around and says ‘you know what? I want you to do x. Probably because women don’t usually do that sort of thing, because its not encouraged but also because i’ve heard there are these things called submissives in the world who generally enjoy being told what to do and pleasing their mistresses.

    Even if their Mistress isn’t an ice queen (which I just gloriously typoed into ice cream xD), enjoy’s things Mistresses shouldn’t enjoy and, well, would rather like it if there was a queue of STI free cocks at her disposal… 😛

    That being said such a queue would take an awful lot of planning and organisation, not to mention you’d probably want to change out of your comfies and maybe put some lippy on or something… Which does feel like an awful lot of bother for something you already enjoy ;)!

  2. ….and I’ve just watched this incredible TED talk that I felt I had to share with you: its on the subject of maintaining desire in a long term relationship but she touches on a lot of points that I think relate to what we are talking about here (plus she says some marvellous things which definitely need to be made into inspirational memes).

    Specifically she talks about the importance of erotic space and the need to be selfish to receive pleasure. Its the concept of maintaining a connection while being free to explore and play that really resonated with me and made me think of your post. If you don’t want to watch the entire video she gets into those concepts at around 13:10.

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