Mat recently showed me a blog post. Beautifully written, it described how wonderful it felt to tie someone up. Oh, how well I know that feeling.
In fact it described how amazing it felt to tie him up. Oh, how very well indeed do I know that feeling.
Yet despite that, despite my love and longing for those moments it’s something I do very rarely and I found myself thinking about why that is. The reasons are these:
- Lack of time. To tie my Boy needs a couple of hours without distractions or disturbances. It’s not something you can easily even stop to answer the door. Those hours are hard to find. It means not doing something else. If I tie him up then we won’t have time to catch up on that latest episode of ‘Scott and Bailey’ and I know he’s been waiting for us to have the time to watch it.
- Lack of confidence. I’m not yet good enough, I don’t captivate him. I’m not the easy confident rigger he desires. Things go wrong and he isn’t comfortable with it. He loses focus, starts commenting and criticising and my confidence dips still further. I become more hesitant and the problem increases.
- Fear of rejection. I want to suggest it but I know he’ll probably say ‘no’. Now’s not the time,he’s tired, we’re too busy, can we watch ‘Scott and Bailey’ instead? Each of those rejections cuts me, this is something I want, need, so much. It seems less painful to stay quiet and simply imagine the rope twisting through my hands.
But I want and need so much more than that.
So I’m going to do one thing to try to fix this. I’m going to demand some time from my Boy. A specific couple of hours, for me, to do what I need. I’ll blindfold him or gag him if I need to; but I need his body, relatively willing, for me to experiment on.
It may not be exactly what he wants, but it will be what I need. Time to play, with no need to meet anyone’s standards but my own. Time to experiment, to make mistakes but most of all to take pleasure in the rope and in my Boy.
And when he says ‘yes’, I’m going to make sure I keep asking and making that time until I can be the rigger (and Domme) he needs as much as the one I want to be.