Do I Need A Safe Word?

My boy has a safe word. Its purpose is to give him a guaranteed way of calling a halt, or just slowing down, anything he has a problem with.
Most of the time he doesn’t need to use it but I feel better for knowing he has the option. It provides a more graceful response than merely dropping out of role and somehow keeps me closer to him through something which otherwise would be a severe disruption to our play.

I have realised though, that as a Domme I have no such option. There is no subtle way for me to express discomfort with a situation. You might think that a Domme has no need of a safe word, after all they are the one in control aren’t they?
Yet I have found situations in which I have felt uncomfortable. I have been fortunate so far in that they have been ones in which I can simply walk away and that Mat has been sympathetic to my feelings. Still, I can imagine scenarios in which I need to call a halt, in which I need comforting and reassuring. Currently I have nothing I can say to signal this.

I guess that doesn’t sound very Domme-ly but I figure even Dommes have a right to feel safe, to have limits and sometimes even get cuddles and cake.
That’s OK right? Or is it just me?

Author: Caitlin

Geeky, kinky and poly. Discovering my Domme side. Sometimes NSFW and 18+.

8 thoughts on “Do I Need A Safe Word?”

  1. Absolutely okay!

    And I know that some dominants DO have a safe word.

    Personally, I figure that as the one in control, I can stop any time and say “Hey I need to stop now. Come and give me cuddles and attention, we’ll talk about it later,” but if you want a shortcut to get to that (and perhaps a warning for him that it *might* happen and that it’s okay if it does), there’s no reason why you can’t have your own safeword to communicate all that quickly without long winded explanations.

    Ferns

    1. I guess I see a safe word as a way of signalling a need. If he uses his, then he’s telling me that he needs something specific from me and I know I will put that first and that I don’t resent it because it’s important enough to him to safe word for.
      As a Domme it’s easy to say ‘I want…’ but hard to say ‘I need…’ and know it’ll be understood.

  2. I’ve not much to say about this than to encourage you to follow your needs as a Domme in every way that does it for you. I may not have great experience in domination (for I am more the submissive type) but I always accepted and apreciated when my dominant partner took her chance to let me know how she feels in a situation. In the end it’s not about proofing to be a “Super-Domme” or a domination machine. It’s about feelings, safety and (though some dominant and submissive people do not like to hear this) FUN and ENJOYMENT for BOTH involved individuals.

    So, to answer your question: it is absolutely okay and I guess, that your boy will be happy with this if he knows that it’s a way for you to let yourself have a good time.

    1. Thanks for this. It definitely is about enjoyment and I think for me that includes feeling comfortable because that leads to confidence and more fun – hopefully for both of us.

  3. Nice exchange on dommes needing to play sensitively, alert both to their subbies and to themselves.

    I’m a lesbian subbie. My sweet domme several years ago rebelled against her role — we still very much love each other, but she seemingly can’t be dominant or otherwise sexual. (There’s her Catholic schooling, etc. to account for her squeamishness; for years, she was intensely orgasmic in our play — but now mistrusts her own sexuality. Celibacy sits lightly upon her — me, not so much…)

    I think we needed something like that safe-word from the onset, but each of us failed to be responsive to the other’s concerns — turning something mutual and vital into each doing her own thing. That would be sex-blogging and masturbation for me, and intense chaste friendships and spirituality for her. Yet we love to be together, and have considerable intimacy, as well as mutual friends, interests, and empathy.

    We settle for what we can get…

    Kisses, Justine

  4. Of course Dommes should have a safe-word if they want to, why ever not? Any D/s relationship is about two people (or more!) who each have needs, feelings, hopes, desires, worries and issues. Both are entitled to love and warmth and care of the other.

    Though I draw the line at sharing the cake!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s