My sexual desire seems to have turned inwards recently. I’m feeling sexy, but not necessarily with or for anyone. Partly I feel I’m not getting it quite right with my sexual partners. I can’t seem to line up my desires with actual sex. Perhaps because what I want is so specific, or just because some days these things don’t come together.
What I want for myself right now is pleasure. I want physical sensation that overwhelms me and leaves me dazed, sticky and happy. I want delight, obsession and intensity.
I also don’t want to have to please someone else. I don’t want to have to work at bringing someone else off. I don’t want to have to do things to entertain them. I want to be the centre of attention. I want to be pleasured and adored all without having to lift a finger.
Perhaps you think, being a Domme, I should have all this already? But I don’t want to command obedience either, I don’t want mere mechanical service, that would be little more than masturbation and that I can do for myself.
Plus I don’t see being a Domme as the right to be selfish; on the contrary if my Boy gives up his pleasure to me then I am the more responsible for supplying it to him.
What I want is an unprompted desire to please me, the knowledge and confidence to do so without direction or prompting and an enthusiasm that allows me to relax, to let go, to float on waves of pleasure wherever they may take me.
Selfish? Yes. But that’s where my desires are taking me right now. So for now, they’re taking me there alone.