I’ve Lost My Way

When I started this blog and the associated (then open) twitter account. I was hoping to find people who were also kinky, people to talk to, people like me. To feel less alone in this world.

Yet since those days, things have changed. My kink sexuality has switched directions, I have needed to make the twitter account private. Still I have continued to write here still seeking to make connections.

The situation is exacerbated by real life limitations. I find myself often unable to attend the few suitable kink events I know about, unable to find readily available alternatives. I’m too poor to simply hire a dungeon, tempting as that is and it is hard to find space, time and focus at home to play without work or social responsibilities intruding. All of which leaves my online life as a significant part of my kinky self.

So now I find myself feeling lonelier than ever. The people who read this blog now are not the ones who were there when I started and why ever you read, few of you feel moved to comment, to encourage or even to criticise (many thanks to all of you who do). On twitter, few people respond to my tweets, and many of the people I wish to talk to cannot see me (even if I respond to them).

All of which leaves me wondering what I should do next. I cannot significantly change how I write, after all, I am who I am, but still if I knew what would interest people I would love to open a dialogue here. I would love to read more blogs by people who would be interested in my comments to them, if only I knew how to find them. I could open my twitter account, and perhaps more people would find me or respond to me but then the people I follow are presumably not interested in me or they would already follow me back. They may indeed have followed and unfollowed already who can say.

I genuinely don’t know what to do. I find myself alone, a girl learning to be a Domme, with no one to ask for advice, no encouragement, only a growing sense of loneliness and inadequacy.

All advice gratefully received.

Author: Caitlin

Geeky, kinky and poly. Discovering my Domme side. Sometimes NSFW and 18+.

12 thoughts on “I’ve Lost My Way”

  1. Dear Caitlin,
    I read your post with an instant sense of recognition. When I started blogging it was as a person coming out of a barren sexual relationship, I was trying to rediscover myself and connect with other ‘like’ people. I made many friendships with readers and other bloggers alike, some of whom still blog (Mina at Longings End, Tara Tainton before she was a Porn Empress!). I have since waxed and waned over the blog, as relationships have come and gone or as my own belief,in my sexuality and the desire to express it, ebbed and flowed.
    Since the early days, blogging has changed a little, I always blamed facebook for sucking up everyone’s internet energy and reducing every response to a lol or a 😉 but it’s more than that, as people’s concentration levels diminish, diversified amongst so much content.
    I too have considered stopping and felt a little tragic for putting things out there in the silent ether. The net requires energy to generate traffic and buzz and I for one sometimes don’t have the energy to do all the flirting! I don’t have all the opportunity in the world to explore my desires in the real world (Currently fretting about affording a road trip to a Fetish Night tomorrow!)
    However I am glad I still write, still engage with it and as i’m in a current purple patch, I am once again reminded of why I do like/need/want to do it.
    I haven’t read enough blogs recently and in the process of going out and reading new and interesting blogs, I am enthused that the blogosphere is still actually alive and well.
    I look forward to reading and commenting more on your blog, I hope you find the time to do the same on mine and I hope you do keep going…… for your sake not for ours.

    1. Sometimes you’re right it does seem like ‘flirting’ and I guess I don’t know how to do that.

      My blog is me, it’s writing for the best friend I don’t have, the one you can tell anything to and they’ll listen and understand. The one who lets you rant because something triggered an emotional reaction but knows it’s only a need to express yourself. The one who helps with advice when you’re unable to see the way out of a situation. The one who sits back and shares your joy when your life is amazing and awesome.

      People who comment provide me a piece of that ‘best friend’ but sometimes things are quietest when I need them most.

      Thanks for being part of my conversation today. I will come over and look at your blog too, see you there.

      Caitlin x

      1. Hi Caitlin,
        Thanks for your reply and yes agree, it is very personal to me and even though sometimes I maintain a distance often it is very close to my truth. It has helped me to work out much about myself and let off some ‘steam’, I do want to compile it all into some sort of booklet one day to retain a record of the content at least,all the hours as you saying crafting writing, so I could one day re-read this scatological account of my sexual life, some time hence and see where it took me! As in all creative endeavours, the ‘artist’ puts their creative expression and emotional self out there, with hope of a connection, even if they believe there to be no audience, even if just for the cosmos to witness. So as you say if it reaches one soul who appreciates/needs it, it is a bonus.
        I hope you find something on my blog of interest or at least reassuring (Periodic posts appealing for interaction!).


      2. If I see something asking for interaction then I’ll try to oblige technology permitting.

        (Mutters darkly how blogger and phone don’t interact well which for a phone reading blogger is a bit of a drawback).

        Caitlin x

      3. lol I haven’t tried blogging from my phone yet but I’m sure it’s hard – Maybe the fetish night tonight will give me an opportunity! And yes definiotely comments about content and writing trump appreciation of pics however nice that is.

      4. Blogging can be tricky but reading at least is easy (unless it’s Blogger).
        I look forward to hearing about the fetish night.

        Caitlin x

      5. Haha i didnt once think about my ph last night. It was a good night great people and some interesting entertainment all of which i will report on asap

      6. *laughs* I’ve never blogged during kink. Only like now when I’m away from a computer and waiting for something (coffee to brew).

        Glad you had fun.

        Caitlin xx

  2. I’ve asked the same question too. We often get into fights, and I lose my inspiration to write, leaving my blog stale for too long. But I write because I find it easier to express myself than talking. I can communicate better with my Domme when I write. I also find that by writing, I can find solutions to my problems. I have many posts that I haven’t published, yet they all helped me sort through things and gain new perspectives. Blogging is still useful for me in those regards.

    Getting more comments is always fun, but I find having a few people willing to engage in long discussions via e-mail, text, or even blog comments, is really all I’m looking (and hoping) for.

    1. Certainly a lot of what I write is for me, to help me work through my thoughts or emotions (this post certainly is one such).
      A lot of what I write is for my Boy too, to share my feelings and fantasies with him or simply to let him know how much I love him and how proud I am of him.

      It’s not the ‘nice picture’ comments that I really value (although they’re nice too) it’s the ones like yours where I feel someone has read the words I’ve spent hours crafting and has found something in it worth reaching out and making a connection over.

      Thank you.

      Caitlin x

  3. Hi Caitlin
    I subscribe to your blog, and read every post with interest. That I rarely, if ever, comment to your posts, is something for which I should apologise, but I’m lazy and to make the ‘effort’ to go to the web and log on in order to post a comment, I need to have something important to say.
    Perhaps the majority of your posts don’t usually ask for a response…. until now.

    For what it’s worth, I have read with interest of the growing relationship with your Boy, but I do wonder about the other side of your life. I assume there is a reason you don’t write about that at all these days, so I haven’t asked. And I won’t blame you if you choose to ignore the question here too.

    But rest assured, I read your posts with interest, and will try from now on to respond if I have anything to say.

    1. I’m certainly aware you read my blog and although you don’t often comment here, you are one of the people who talks to me on Twitter so I don’t consider you a lurker!
      It’s true I don’t often directly ask for a response perhaps because I write to find my own answers (which usually appear at the end of my posts) and also because although I welcome (and hope for) other people’s opinions; to ask and to get nothing would feel so lonely and I don’t want to tempt fate that way.

      As for the other side of my life…

      Perrin and I no longer have a kink relationship and although I’ve brushed against that topic here, we agreed that some of the reasons should remain private. He also has his own blog and if he chooses not to share things there then it is certainly not my place to do so here.

      Thus this blog reflects my personal views and my kink journey all of which are subject to change – hence the title!

      I will continue to write here and your comments and thoughts are always welcome. Thanks for being here.

      Caitlin xx

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