Who Needs Aftercare?

I overheard a conversation on twitter discussing whether male and female subs were different; particularly when it comes to aftercare. I found this concept interesting, having a dual perspective being both a Domme with a male sub and (or at least have been) a sub myself.

I’ve seen a lot of comments in the past from Doms and subs about how there is a requirement to carry fluffy blankets and chocolate in your play kit for aftercare which has quite frankly always puzzled me. I don’t think my first thought after play has been for either of those. I hadn’t even realised until then that there was a separate activity called ‘aftercare’ that was supposed to happen.

Thinking about it further though I realised that all my submissive play has been part of a relationship. This means that aftercare involves snuggling in bed (or possibly the sofa) or dinner, or other home comforts but most reliably time with and cuddles from my partner. All things which happen naturally without having them labelled or demanded in advance.

Given that this means that I do therefore require some form of aftercare, the question is how is my Boy different.

My feeling is that actually he isn’t. After play he likes to be held, to curl up close to me, to be petted and fussed, told he’s a ‘Good Boy’ and, most important of all, fed cake (although other foodstuffs are sometimes acceptable).
Sure, if those things are not available he’ll cope but then so would I. But really he does need them (and it says so on the internet).

It’s not just submissives who need fluffiness though, after play as a Domme I still need to reconnect gently, to be loved, to be safe.

So maybe aftercare is not a girl or a boy thing, or even a sub or a Domme thing; maybe it’s just to do with the type of person you are.
After an intense emotional experience it’s human to need to recover ones equilibrium and different people have different ways of doing that.
In my case that means I’ll go on providing cake.

Author: Caitlin

Geeky, kinky and poly. Discovering my Domme side. Sometimes NSFW and 18+.

3 thoughts on “Who Needs Aftercare?”

  1. I have to say thank you for writing this! It made a light bulb go off in my head.

    I am not a cuddler by nature but I have come to see the value in after care, it’s just not the same for everyone. In my case most times I did not even realize I was getting “after care”, I am not sure that even my playmates realized.,
    There was no real cuddling, or other soft soothing activities, it’s always been in the form of simple relaxing talk.
    In fact, the few times I did not have that I suffered greatly. I need the person I play with (or who plays with me) to be able to chat a bit, about normal things, and about what just happened. I need to enter the real world slowly, to “come down”.
    Even quiet time alone, with no demands (no phone, no schedule etc) helps if there is no one around to share with. But the best is if I can spend time with my playmate for a bit.
    I know I got off of the light bulb, so here it is. Recently I played with a Domme, and her Dom watched, playing with her afterwords. They are very nice people but something was missing and I could not figure out what. Your post made me realize that we had no real after care, no real time together to decompress. We always ended in a bit of a rush, standing about much like you do at the end of a party as you gather your coats by the door and say your goodbyes.
    Thank you for this post, well communicated, well thought out, and well timed 🙂

    1. Thank you for your comment. I started writing this from the perspective of knowing that there were male subs who need (more traditional) aftercare but your comment is a reminder that the chatting variety is just as valid a preference.
      I think I’m still learning just how important aftercare actually is.

      Caitlin xx

  2. Let us not forget that Dommes and Doms need aftercare too. Usually an intense experience between two or more people is intense for both/all of them. So subs, once you’re able, once you’ve recovered, can walk and talk reasonably cohesively, just check on the others involved. You might be surprised at just how much reassurance and care they need too!

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