In my new years post I mentioned my submissive side still exists. I’m trying to identify what that means to me at the moment.
I think I’m still fighting it. I know rough, kinky, ‘come here and get fucked’ sex can still excite me, but I struggle to explore such fantasies.
I know some things I don’t want right now.
I don’t want to be controlled, I don’t want lifestyle D/s. I’m really enjoying being in control myself and I don’t want anything to take that away or make me feel less strong and capable.
It’s far too easy for me to be submissive in that sense and it’s not good for me.
I still maintain my dislike of rope, pain and fear but reading back I see a desire there for a positive form of submission, one that brings love and approval; I cannot currently imagine receiving that without feeling lessened, diminished.
Yet there is a desire for something, a fantasy I don’t feel safe enough to allow myself to explore right now. Not even here.
Perhaps what I’m waiting for is the right moment with the right person? Who knows.