Struggling To Feel It

I am both the author and the heroine of my own writing here; a situation which causes its own tensions.

I write a lot about the wonderful fun I have with my boy but there are other moments I find hard to share. The ones where there is uncertainty, where I don’t feel like his Domme and don’t think he sees me as one. The misunderstandings, the awkward distances, the lack of confidence, the anguish of insecurity.

Part of that reticence is fear. Fear of making the situation worse, of breaking a relationship which at its best is a euphoric mix of joy, exultation and wonder. Part is my own shame at being unable to communicate my feelings adequately, of having done something wrong.

I feel though that this leaves this blog with a less than complete view of my relationship. I’m not writing a novel here, this is my story and I’m not a perfect person. I’m not a perfect Domme.

Sometimes I’m tired, or he’s tired.  Sometimes the plan just doesn’t come together. Sometimes real life demands more attention. Sometimes there’s no place for us to be a Domme and her boy.

When that happens I miss it. I long desperately for the moment when the focus kicks in and I really feel it.
Then all will be well again.

Author: Caitlin

Geeky, kinky and poly. Discovering my Domme side. Sometimes NSFW and 18+.

8 thoughts on “Struggling To Feel It”

  1. Life intrudes and weighs us down, time and some giving ourselves a break helps bring things back to where we want them to be. Gives us the perspective to appreciate every precious moment.

    1. There are some very special moments, which make me smile whenever I think of them. Despite that I sometimes find it hard to fight the fear that I lack something necessary, that I am not good enough.
      Most of all because believing in myself can never be enough, he must believe in me or I am nothing.

      Other times I hold the world in the palm of my hand and nothing can disturb me.
      I like those times better, that’s all.

      Caitlin x

  2. It is the constant struggle, to balance life and all its responsibilities with all the pleasures it can bring with it too. Sometimes though, we just crave to get aways from it all and drown in the pleasures.

    1. A little more drowning would be wonderful.
      Although even a momentary dip in the water can be blissful when I feel connected. It’s when I feel alone that I struggle.

      Caitlin xx

  3. Sometimes there are issues bigger than the D/s dynamic. Tina and I go through this a lot. She always tells me that more than anything we are friends who love each other. Everything else falls below that.

    1. You’re quite right of course the relationship is more than the dynamic and more important than it.

      I think sometimes, just having pressed my face against the toyshop window for so long and now having finally got what I always wanted that I get a little frustrated when my toy is shut away in the toybox and I have to do homework rather than play with it.

      This analogy can probably be misused. 🙂

      Caitlin xx

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