Submission To Give

Recently my submissive side has been begging for attention. The voice in my head reminding me who I am, the yearning to have my wrists bound, to surrender myself into another’s hands, all of these have been insistent reminders of a part of me deeply buried.

Those brief fantasies, flashes of desire are delightful and compelling.

Yet when I contemplate really, physically, experiencing such things I am overcome with panic. I cannot imagine actually submitting to someone, letting go completely, without being tense and stressed at the thought.

I’m so ashamed of these desires.
I want to be reassured, made to feel that it’s OK to feel this way, but comfort is hard to find. No one can tell me that its alright to be submissive, to want to lose myself for a little while in the will of others. No one can tell me that being a slut is OK, that enjoying my sexuality freely and openly does not lower my worth, or reduce my value in the eyes of the people I love. No one can tell me that I am still loved, admired and wanted even after I have allowed myself to be hurt and abused.
I want to be told that, want to believe it, I don’t think I know how.

I am deeply ashamed of my submission but conversely intensely proud of Mat for being submissive. That contradiction puzzles me and I can offer little explanation other than that I want to give him exactly the approval and pride that I want but am lacking for myself.

Still Mat is stronger than I am and more detached. His submission is lighter, more playful. He can bottom freely without shame or fear, merely enjoying the experience. He can happily play with people he isn’t emotionally entwined with knowing he has his own limits and he will quickly stand up to anyone who tries to breach them. Even what he does with me is primarily fun, loving yes, but still, I suspect, much less emotionally meaningful for him than it is to me.

For me both dominance and submission are hugely emotional experiences. I offer too much of myself and let down too many guards. Desperate to be loved I will let my own inner standards be breached in the search for approval and hate myself for doing so. I will read too much into every encounter and be devastated if I do not get sufficient approval and reassurance.
I have no strength of my own. I exist only in the relationships I have with people I love.

One wise man once said “I have submission to give but not to waste“, it’s a phrase that has always stayed with me.
I don’t want to get hurt, don’t want to feel rejected or unworthy or unsafe. The solution seems to be to learn to be casual about it. To bottom selfishly for fun rather than forcing it to be deeply committed. To learn to keep my guard up and protect my soul from being hurt. To learn to enjoy the moment, the sensation, without looking for meaning.

For now that means changing some definitions, learning some new habits, thinking about things in a different way.
In a strange way it means becoming my own Domme, keeping my submission for myself, protecting myself, loving myself.

I have submission to give but not to waste.

Author: Caitlin

Geeky, kinky and poly. Discovering my Domme side. Sometimes NSFW and 18+.

7 thoughts on “Submission To Give”

  1. I have fought with my submission most of my life, choosing to top rather than give in to it. Recently I have in and thought that I might die from the shame of how I felt. Wanting to be used and hurt and give myself totally to another.

    I had to though as I could not live another minute without allowing this side of me a say. I too give totally and cannot play for the sake of it I’ve found!

    I found however that the dominant side of me now won’t stay quiet and am now facing up to the fact that I am a true switch.

    If there is any advice I can give for what it’s worth-you as a whole person are more beautiful than a part of you. To hide a facet of who you are stops all parts of you from becoming who you are meant to be. Find someone you can trust if your partner cannot do this for you. Don’t hide away a beautiful part of you, it will kill the rest of you. Submission is so beautiful to watch as you know, think of how you submitting will look to the right person.

    I hope you find your way to ALL of you.
    Phoenix
    xxx

    1. Thank you for your thoughtful words.
      I am a fragile and vulnerable person, I need love and approval for all that I am.
      It is no less true for my dominant side but in that case I have more control over the emotional risks I take (although I wonder if my boy knows how badly he could hurt me by rejecting me).
      My submissive side though is vulnerability piled on vulnerability. While I know that part of me will never go away, to give submission without being given assurance that I am accepted and beautiful will hurt me worse than keeping it inside.
      As you say, it is a question of finding the right person.

      Caitlin xx

      1. Together my darling, we will find the right person, eventually. I do not want you to feel any shame, because all of you is beautiful: your submission, your dominance, even your reverse parking.
        There are many options and we can explore them. Together. xxx xxx

    1. Thank you. It’s a good thing to hear.
      I think if I’m honest a large part of my current problem is that I’m not getting that reassurance from the person who is most important. Perrin brought this side of me out, gave me initial permission to express it but since his depression I feel he tolerates it resentfully rather than glories in it.
      Mat is open in his approval of me and that helps a great deal but currently I feel I am loved by my husband despite my sexuality not because of it.

      Caitlin xx

      1. That must be very difficult. Try to take strength and comfort in the fact that Perrin enjoyed it to begin with, while things may change, deep down his feelings for you don’t, merely his ability to express them. *hug*
        beth

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