What Am I Now?

It’s official when you have to update your Fetlife profile.

I’ve always described myself as submissive but I have been struggling to express my submissive side for a while; the D/s relationship with Perrin had basically ceased a while ago but still I hadn’t wanted to declare it over. Then again, I couldn’t, Perrin had given me a collar and that made me his.

It felt empty though, there was no feeling, no reward, it was a struggle for the sake of it. It wasn’t meant to be like that (at least not all the time) it was meant to be fun.

I discussed my feelings with Perrin and well, he simply updated his profile and in doing so let me go.

So that left me wondering am I submissive? Am I a Domme?

Kink is important to me. It gives me passion, connection, exploration, sensation. It helps me balance my unstable emotions and can help me to feel loved and accepted. I’ve realised though that I can get those things, in different ways, both as a Domme and as a submissive. I currently feel more comfortable being the Domme.

I’ve always had kinky fantasies and I had always seen them as submissive ones. Still inside my head I had to control all the characters and I won’t deny I enjoyed thinking up elaborate ways to torture my imaginary submissive. In general my fantasies involved dominant males and submissive females, but then there was also a fascination with knights who served their lady with love and honour and faced impossible challenges for her, so perhaps there was more of the Domme in me even then than I saw at the time.

Still I have a submissive side and I don’t believe that it’s gone for good. I can’t imagine playing with anyone else for now though. I’m not sure whether I could deal with kinky play without someone who will hold me and love me afterwards. For me kink is a physical activity and physical touch is intimate and special. It takes someone I feel close to for me to feel comfortable touching them or being touched. So for now submission is firmly off limits.

The good thing about letting my submissive side go for now is that my relationship with Perrin feels much better. The pressure is off. The awkwardness of every interaction that reminded me that we weren’t doing D/s is gone and in its place is the easy loving relationship we’ve always had.

I love my husband very very much. What I am right now is happy with that.

Author: Caitlin

Geeky, kinky and poly. Discovering my Domme side. Sometimes NSFW and 18+.

8 thoughts on “What Am I Now?”

  1. Like me, it sounds like a weight has been lifted from you by tossing off the restrictions that labeling oneself “submissive* can bring. I found freedom in my own being by saying, yes, I identify with being submissive, but I don’t want anything serious now. This is most likely very good for you. Right now, my FL profile says, “unsure”. Works for me right now. 🙂

    1. I think for most people what they need does ebb and flow over time. When you’re in a place that feels right life is easier. It’s good sometimes to stop and say ‘this is what I need now’ and let that be different to what you needed in the past, or the future.

      Caitlin xx

  2. Tina and I started out with me as the Dom, but we clearly learned in the months following that she felt more natural as the Domme, so we swtiched. I can still be a Dom, and I still feel myself wanting to lead. I think people who develop into effective Dom/Dommes understand what it’s like to be a sub.

    1. Thanks for that thought. As I become increasingly comfortable being a Domme I do find I use my knowledge of being a sub to help me.
      I probably enjoy some things more because I identify with being on the receiving end too.

      Caitlin xx

  3. As S said, we began with him being the Dom. I needed to be able to surrender myself in those early months, to find that he was trustworthy so I could eventually open myself wholly to him. Once that happened, I came into my own.

    I’ve had the great fortune of finding a man who is strong enough to lead and take the reins when I need him to, but who loves being led most of the time. He has comfortably sunk into this position of sub, while perhaps before I was ready to fully become a Domme. Now that we have worked out some of the kinks, for both of us, we have a really beautiful thing going on here. 🙂

    I’m so glad you’ve been able to find your calling. But I have found that the ebb and flow of life changes our roles from time to time. Who knows? One day you may wake to find you want to be vanilla! LOL! And if you do, then that’s good too! Just live within your own heart and listen to your own calling. That is your only true Master.

    Thanks for all of your insight Caitlin, and thank you for helping S so much!

    1. Whichever roles we take, so much of this comes down to trust, self-expression and openness.
      Who knows where life will take us but I’m certainly enjoying the journey.
      I’m also glad to be able to share my views with you as I love reading of you both finding your own way and happpiness.

      Caitlin xxx

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