I Hate Rope, Pain and Fear

Before I start to explain such a heretical statement let’s be clear; I’m talking about my feelings as a submissive here. As a Domme my feelings are completely different (and one day may be a topic for another post).

For a start I don’t actually enjoy being tied up. It is, well, uncomfortable and generally results in a loss of circulation and pins and needles. Even before that point it leaves me feeling out of control in a way that inhibits me. It lessens my ability to accept pain and reduces my feelings of submission.
I do admittedly have a curious desire to be suspended but only because I’d like to hang in the air, I don’t actually want to have to be tied up to do it.

I don’t really enjoy pain either. This admittedly is even less definitive than it sounds. I’ll admit that sometimes when I’m stressed, unhappy or struggling with my emotions then pain can be incredibly cathartic to me. I can lose myself in it, forgetting my worries and afterwards I feel calmer, more level headed. As if something in the process resets my body chemistry to normal.
To add to this I do enjoy a lot of sensation play. I think I’m drawing an invisible line here between wax play, or a gentle spanking say and the sort of pain that you actually want to stop (and admittedly done right that point can be moved a lot further away).

I don’t enjoy fear either. I struggle with trust and anything that leaves me feeling that it is about to be abused can snap me out of submission very quickly. Threats, even jokingly, of something that crosses a line, that breaches a limit leave me panicking and defensive. A lot of people like mind play, pretending something apparently evil but actually much safer and more innocuous, for me though that still often feels like a betrayal of trust. Again there’s a fine line between exciting and terrifying and I suspect that a lot of it comes down to how much I feel in control.

Having said I dislike all these things I am of course about to contradict myself by saying that of course, as a submissive, I will do them. For me, submission is surrendering my will to that of my Dom, especially perhaps when I do not enjoy the thing being done to me. That is why I prefer being unrestrained when being hurt; because I can walk away it is an active act of will to remain and becomes a consciously submissive moment.

So, yes, for a Dom who desires them I will do all these things willingly. In return though I need a lot of praise, approval, acceptance, love and support. I need to be helped into a submissive place and made to feel safe there, I need to be brought out of it gently and left feeling loved and secure, only then can I do the things which are hard for me.

Author: Caitlin

Geeky, kinky and poly. Discovering my Domme side. Sometimes NSFW and 18+.

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