The Pain of Wanting Pain

I was writing; a fantasy scene which I’ll doubtless post here soon. In it my protagonist gets beaten and I was considering the details. I decided on his belt as being an appropriate choice of weapon. Suddenly I was consumed with memories of how sweet such a beating felt and with a longing for such pain again.

I don’t actually like pain; most of the time at least. Occasionally though there is a need in me which hungers to be met.

What I’m struggling with now is understanding how I can handle such needs. My submission is gone although my submissiveness is not. I currently lack the trust and confidence to simply surrender such desires to Perrin. In the past few months I’m very aware that only Mat’s insistence has led to satisfaction of such needs at all. He has led me by the hand to insist on what I need, or even more recently held me while I received it. The last time was an unexpected occasion. Perrin picked up the crop but where I might have resisted Mat twisted me round until my body covered his. “She’ll protect me” he joked.
Oh he was playful, he needs no defence by me and he offered me to what he thought I would enjoy. Still, I stayed for those words. I would have taken all the pain in the world to protect him in that moment. While he held me I felt strong enough to accept whatever came. My confidence was in him and that realisation is painful in itself. My submission to Perrin is lost in the difficulties of dealing with his depression.

So for now I cannot simply stretch out, ropes around my wrists and ankles, losing myself in pain. Whipped for another’s pleasure, giving myself in total surrender… but I digress.
Instead I have my memories and my fantasies. I have also the ability to give my boy what I cannot take for myself. For now that is enough.

Author: Caitlin

Geeky, kinky and poly. Discovering my Domme side. Sometimes NSFW and 18+.

5 thoughts on “The Pain of Wanting Pain”

  1. I am not sure I understand all you are saying here… but I do hope everything becomes clear to you soon!!! Beautiful wording though. You really do have a way with words.

    1. Thank you, although I’m not sure it’s much of a way with words if my meaning fails to come across. It’s a hard feeling to describe unless you’ve felt it I think.

      Caitlin x

  2. I actually think that having a period of abstinence, however it’s caused, is not necessarily a bad thing. Do we not savour water more, when we’re really thirsty? Do we not appreciate a meal more fully when we’ve had to go without food all day? We breathe every few seconds but are never more grateful of air than when we’ve held our breath under water (or because the dog has bad wind)?

    All submissives experience interregnums from time to time and it makes the experience even more meaningful when it returns (and yes it hurts more if we’re not used to it). Sometimes one’s owner might be depressed or simply not comfortable with or confident enough, to be dominant, other times one’s owner might simply have buggered off to the other side of the world for a fortnight in the sun. But the reason matters not, what’s important to remember is that the love is still there and the physical and painful manifestations of it will reappear at some point.

    Ye gods that sounds pretentious.

    Dalai Sev xxx xxx

    1. *bows humbly* Thank you for your insight oh wise one. *sticks out tongue*
      Yes, waiting is not necessarily a bad thing. In my case though it tends to prompt a lot of fantasies and daydreams. That may not be a bad thing either of course.

      Caitlin xxx xxx

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