I was writing; a fantasy scene which I’ll doubtless post here soon. In it my protagonist gets beaten and I was considering the details. I decided on his belt as being an appropriate choice of weapon. Suddenly I was consumed with memories of how sweet such a beating felt and with a longing for such pain again.
I don’t actually like pain; most of the time at least. Occasionally though there is a need in me which hungers to be met.
What I’m struggling with now is understanding how I can handle such needs. My submission is gone although my submissiveness is not. I currently lack the trust and confidence to simply surrender such desires to Perrin. In the past few months I’m very aware that only Mat’s insistence has led to satisfaction of such needs at all. He has led me by the hand to insist on what I need, or even more recently held me while I received it. The last time was an unexpected occasion. Perrin picked up the crop but where I might have resisted Mat twisted me round until my body covered his. “She’ll protect me” he joked.
Oh he was playful, he needs no defence by me and he offered me to what he thought I would enjoy. Still, I stayed for those words. I would have taken all the pain in the world to protect him in that moment. While he held me I felt strong enough to accept whatever came. My confidence was in him and that realisation is painful in itself. My submission to Perrin is lost in the difficulties of dealing with his depression.
So for now I cannot simply stretch out, ropes around my wrists and ankles, losing myself in pain. Whipped for another’s pleasure, giving myself in total surrender… but I digress.
Instead I have my memories and my fantasies. I have also the ability to give my boy what I cannot take for myself. For now that is enough.