The first time I used my strap-on I raped Mat with it.
It sounds so harsh and cold written like that but in fact it was an act of love for both of us. More than that it was a ritual, a rite of passage for me, for us, for our relationship.
All relationships have rituals, whether kinky or vanilla. Does your husband always make you a cup of coffee in the morning? Do you always say the same thing to your partner when you come home in the evening? Do you have a favourite position to make love in? It’s those familiar things which provide structure and security to a relationship, a sense of place and belonging, a sense of home. The ways that love is shown, shared and enjoyed may be more extreme in D/s but that makes them more intense and even more significant.
Mat has already written that he is broken and that means that some of our most precious rituals have had to go by the board for the time being. While I am quite capable of enjoying his face twisted in pain, I need to be able to make it end, must be able to provide comfort when it is over. It is no fun watching someone you love hurting in a way you cannot control. Certainly, too, I will not risk adding to that.
Having realised that this leaves a hole in our experiences I am left pondering what is left?
Smaller things, I think, but no less important. My fingers tangled in his hair, calling him my ‘Little One’, his face looking up at me, all these continue and remind me who we are. Even, if I’m truly demanding, my evening cup of cocoa is part of how we live our lives.
So for now those little things remain, a reminder of the bigger things which will return as soon as my boy is strong enough to bear them.