Vanilla is not the only flavour. Thankfully.
Mat and I were out of sync somehow and I was struggling to get my head around it.
As part of our conversations he asked me “would it be disastrous if our relationship wasn’t D/s”? My instant reaction was “no”; after all my love for him is certainly not conditional on that side of our relationship but it is a question which continued to play through my thoughts. Later on I was still thinking about it. Wondering how I would feel if Mat were not my boy, if our relationship were purely vanilla. Vanilla is a lovely flavour, and the vanilla side of my life is rich and loving, but imagining myself a purely vanilla girl all the time was achingly awful. I don’t want that; a life completely without kink would be only half a life.
It was then that a realisation struck. That imagining taking the D/s out of my relationship with Mat left me vanilla because Perrin and I are struggling with our D/s too. But I am not a vanilla girl, I am a submissive and a Domme.
At another point in our conversations, as Mat lay naked in my lap, my owned boy, he had said “this is who we are”. That phrase also struck me deeply. This is who we are. Not all that we are but a real and very deep part. It is who we are together because each of us is the person that we are individually.
Realising that made something else very clear. I have been resisting submission, hiding from even the thought of it, frightened of getting hurt – but this is who I am. I need to acknowledge that.
I need Mat kneeling at my feet and I in turn need to kneel at Perrin’s.
Remembering that I found the strength to indeed kneel at my master’s feet. To offer what submission I have without expectation. To call him ‘Sir’ and be his little one once again.
This does not mean that everything is perfect, or indeed that we will be doing a big scene any time soon but it does mean that we are ourselves. We are not shutting off one part of life completely to deal with another.
He is my Dom and I am his submissive. This is who we are.