I’ve already discussed one form of asking for what you want here but it is still something I struggle with.
Theoretically I know that asking is ok, I know too that receiving a “no” is not the end of the world. I recently came across this blog post which describes this here and offers a positive message.
“I deserve good things. I am entitled to my share of happiness. I refuse to beat myself up. I am attractive person. I am fun to be with. I can ask for what I want because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me!”
The problem is that I often don’t feel all those things. I feel that being told “no” means that I have done something wrong. That I have relied on more emotional commitment than there is. That I will be seen as greedy or selfish for asking, and that the other person will resent my demands. I feel that each “no” is a little tally against me and when they reach some unknown value the other person will leave the relationship and that it will be my fault for asking for too much.
Even worse I may get a “yes” but it will be a grudging resentful yes, and that invisible tally count will mount up just the same.
So really the only safe ground is to only ask for things you’re very sure they wish to give. Perhaps if I give everything and don’t demand too much I will be loved, perhaps then they’ll stay with me.
This little voice, this certainty that affection is weighed and measured, is hard to shift. Even knowing that my own love is freely given does not allow me to truly believe that I am loved unconditionally. Without that confidence asking for anything is very, very hard.
Can I have a hug please?