When I first discovered I had a dominant side I did say that it was only tiny.
I don’t feel like a ‘True Domme’. I don’t wear scary boots or rubber. I don’t have hordes of submissive men crawling at my feet. I don’t play elaborate and complicated scenes with people and then throw them out into the night.
It’s not that I want to be all those things. I don’t. I do sometimes feel as though I will be judged as being less than a real Domme for not living up to such images.
I do feel like Mat’s Domme though. He’s my boy and my puppy and I’m utterly comfortable with that.
I recently went out with him to a slightly kinky social gathering. Despite my being achingly shy, I found I actually felt more confident with Mat at my feet playing the puppy. There is something, dare I say it, comforting about having him being submissive with me. A sense of freedom in being ourselves regardless of observers.
Sometimes though even that seems difficult. We slide out of alignment with each other. He becomes irritable and in it I sense his need to be submissive and yet his rejection of it; that in turn leaves me uncertain how to reach him. With each little rejection I find it harder and harder to be dominant, even as I recognise his need for me to be so.
Eventually, somehow, we resynchronise and everything feels better for us both. I’m still left feeling inadequate though. Able to recognise the problem but unable to identify or control the solution.
Unable to be the Domme he needs me to be. Lacking the confidence and the ability to reach his submission even when I can see it lurking beneath the surface.
I do have a Domme side but it’s only tiny.