It’s something I should be used to, being away from my boy; but sometimes, just sometimes, it seems to bite more than others.
I’d like to be holding his hand, introducing him to people. Letting them see how much he means to me. Even when that is not possible, I’d like to include him in my conversation.
That is currently impossible, in so many circumstances.
The discussion seems to become distant. I become quiet. To each sentence I want to respond “Mat says…”, or “My boyfriend and I…”, or some other reference to someone who may be far away, but is so often in my thoughts. Instead those unsayable sentences echo around my head, and I nurse those thoughts and feelings inside myself.
It certainly makes me appreciate those people with whom I can share. The people who can accept my polyamorous side. Who can understand that Mat and Perrin are both dear to me, and share my life in their own ways. The people who won’t judge me harshly for loving more than once, and sharing honestly.
One day, I may find a way to share that more widely. For now though, it remains largely a secret. Just between you and I.