Exploring the Darkness

So this post by Mina about emotional distance in relationships made me start thinking about how I view my D/s.

Perrin and I love each other very much. He is my husband, and we share real world joys and sorrows. He is also my Master, I belong to him. I can’t imagine it any other way. I can trust him with all of me. The one person I know who can see into the dark places in my soul and still love me. More than that, he can and does encourage me to explore and map them, and supports me when I need help.

That said, my submission to him is perpetual, and complete. I may however explore submission to others, without that loving bond, in different ways.

Perrin can of course decide to involve someone else. In that case my submission is still to Perrin, but he may choose to use another person as a tool, much as he might use a paddle on me. For me, I think, this would require a strong sense of Perrin’s control, to carry me through the scene, and a great deal of reassurance afterwards.

I can submit to somebody else directly, for a limited encounter. For me to do this, requires me to know them as a person. I need of course to be able to trust them not to harm me, physically or emotionally. It also requires me to feel for them. My submission, after all, is a gift. For me to give it, requires that I care for the recipient enough to give them a special part of myself. To reveal my inner self to them. I also need to want to please them. My submission comes with a desire to be the ‘good girl’; to end having received approval for my behaviour, appreciation of my gift. Most of all, I want to have given pleasure.
If I don’t care about them at all, why would I bother.

In either case, involving someone who does not have Perrin’s bond with me is a risk. It is playing without an emotional safety net. It is giving up assurance of approval, and comfort. It is looking into the darkness.
Why would I even consider doing this?
Because it fascinates me. Because it takes my submission to another level. I am just a plaything, not a lover.
Because it frightens me. I don’t know how much my heart can stand by, while I surrender myself.
Because it is a fantasy. It is intense and powerful.
Because it is fun!

I am however cheating slightly. Because through all of this, my Master is there. Encouraging, approving my explorations and I know, ready to pick up the pieces of my heart.

So it seems I can’t do without love after all.

Author: Caitlin

Geeky, kinky and poly. Discovering my Domme side. Sometimes NSFW and 18+.

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