On reflecting on my current relationships, or even proto-relationships. I’ve realised that I have been setting my expectations too low. I’ve been harbouring a sense that my desire for people to share my life with, and not just my body was unrealistic. That I should instead accept whatever attentions I can get, accepting that as a substitute for the perceived unattainable emotional connection I long for.
Perhaps it’s due to my inability to see myself as attractive.
My sexual attractiveness is not in doubt. The evidence there is such that even I have to (finally) accept that I’m pretty, sexy, and quite a lot of fun to play with.
The sort of attractiveness that counts though, the being desired as a friend and girlfriend and not just a lover is something I find harder to accept.
I believe that anyone who really gets to know me will reject me. Everybody does. I don’t have enough to offer anyone. I simply don’t know how to have a relationship any more.
Obviously Perrin is an exception to all these views, but I genuinely don’t understand what he sees in me, so how can I possibly believe, and even more, accept, that anyone else will see it too.
It seems greedy too, to want more than Perrin to care for me. He gives me so much, how unreasonable to ask the universe for more of the same.
Still, I need to remember that it’s ok to say no. That I have a choice. That I don’t have to settle for second best. That I’m worth loving, even if I don’t understand why.
Then I can cherish the people who love me as they deserve.