So these past few days I’ve been feeling pretty rough. Physically I’m fine, but emotionally I appear to have crashed into a complete mess.
This has been coupled with a real need for kink. Perrin suggested when I got my hair done that I would be more trouble now I was a red-head, and certainly I have been that.
I’ve oscillated between being good girl and bad girl (mostly bad). Searching for some kind of resolution. I’ve certainly got a reaction. There has been loving support, discipline, and even sex. All of which are things I’ve thought I was looking for, and yet I haven’t felt (or behaved) any better.
Finally Perrin sat down with me this evening, and we talked some more about how I felt. Then with his usual knack of seeing the things I cannot, told me I was struggling with my submission. He is of course completely right.
There is an innate conflict between wanting to submit and the things that means giving up. While I love being owned by Perrin there is a pain to giving up control. The annoyance of being made to stand in the corner when you want to curl up in bed, or of being denied the right to complain about Sir’s ‘unreasonable’ behaviour. It is a pain heightened by being thrown into an ordinary moment, when submission comes contrary to natural behaviour.
Of course, many people play without that dimension. Keeping D/s neatly in scenes with a beginning and an end. Our relationship, by choice, is not so neatly compartmentalised.
All of which leaves me struggling to accept how I feel. Realising that I need to embrace my submission instead of fighting it. And writing this makes me feel better already.