Struggle

So these past few days I’ve been feeling pretty rough. Physically I’m fine, but emotionally I appear to have crashed into a complete mess.

This has been coupled with a real need for kink. Perrin suggested when I got my hair done that I would be more trouble now I was a red-head, and certainly I have been that.

I’ve oscillated between being good girl and bad girl (mostly bad). Searching for some kind of resolution.  I’ve certainly got a reaction. There has been loving support, discipline, and even sex. All of which are things I’ve thought I was looking for, and yet I haven’t felt (or behaved) any better.

Finally Perrin sat down with me this evening, and we talked some more about how I felt. Then with his usual knack of seeing the things I cannot, told me I was struggling with my submission. He is of course completely right.

There is an innate conflict between wanting to submit and the things that means giving up. While I love being owned by Perrin there is a pain to giving up control. The annoyance of being made to stand in the  corner when you want to curl up in bed, or of being denied the right to complain about Sir’s ‘unreasonable’ behaviour. It is a pain heightened by being thrown into an ordinary moment, when submission comes contrary to natural behaviour.

Of course, many people play without that dimension. Keeping D/s neatly in scenes with a beginning and an end.  Our relationship, by choice, is not so neatly compartmentalised.

All of which leaves me struggling to accept how I feel. Realising that I need to embrace my submission instead of fighting it. And writing this makes me feel better already.

Author: Caitlin

Geeky, kinky and poly. Discovering my Domme side. Sometimes NSFW and 18+.

3 thoughts on “Struggle”

  1. I am where you are. It is so nice to read about someone else who struggles, being submissive as a way of life or of the complete relationship is not easy for anyone who has lived a life of taking charge and making decisions. Bravo my dear. Thank you for sharing, and please don’t stop.

    1. Thank you, it’s is nice for me too, not to feel alone.
      I’ve struggled with my submissiveness for a long time. My reaction to this struggle used to be to believe that I wasn’t really submissive, leading to me rejecting that part of me, and kicking off a guilt ridden cycle. It’s only in the last year with this blog and Perrin’s support that I have begun to be able to accept it as an integral part of who I am.

  2. I know I have certainly been there. It’s a struggle when you live both as life companions AND as D and s. It’s this pull one way or the other. A fall in one area affects the other. It’s the biggest reason why D/s has taken a back seat in our marriage. Life challenges and interests change. My belief, for myself, is that I will have to find someone else to be my D. Not at all implying that that will be what you will need to do. Just sharing that I know exactly where you are coming from.

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