Perrin has written here about his difficulties with a long distance relationship.
I too struggle with that in my own way. I am very aware of my fear of abandonment. Irrational it may be, but it is deeply rooted in my life and cannot simply be ignored.

It took literally years for me to trust that Perrin would stay with me. He would say to me ‘Trust me’ and I would tell him then that I did trust him, as much as I could trust anybody, knowing that was not enough.  Even now believing in him as I do to the depths of my soul I still find the occasional doubt surfacing and needing to be banished.

When I find submission hard though and I struggle against him, he now says to me ‘Trust me’ and it is both a challenge and reassurance. I let go then, and let him take me where he wills.

Still each relationship must build its own trust, and for me that is a hard process every time. I struggle to believe in love, that I am lovable or loved. I know that in itself makes me harder to love. On the other hand I do truly appreciate those who make the effort to love me though.

It is not an entirely unconscious process. I make deliberate efforts to trust, to hope, to love despite the dark voices in my head. Because the people I love deserve every effort I can make for them.

So please, forgive me if I get this wrong. I’m doing the best I know how to do. I will try and trust that it will be good enough.

Author: Caitlin

Geeky, kinky and poly. Discovering my Domme side. Sometimes NSFW and 18+.

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