If you can’t be good, be good at being bad.
My behaviour seems to have changed recently. I had been trying to be the perfect submissive, utterly obedient, well-behaved, that kind of thing. I wasn’t very good at it, of course, but I was working on it. Recently though, I thing I have stopped really trying to be a good girl, and have become rather a cheeky one.
Part of this is due I suspect to the fact that Perrin now has a ‘good girl’. She obeys without hesitation. She’s quiet and submissive when spanked where I start yelling and struggling. She doesn’t answer him back or argue when asked to do something.
I’m in awe really at how well-behaved she is.
I guess I don’t feel I can achieve that. So I find myself being the bad girl. Cheeky, disobedient, always pushing. Arguing, second guessing and complaining.
Part of it is my struggle to trust, to let go, to let Perrin take charge without opposition. Part of it is the need not to fail at anything. Better not to try, than to try and fail. It gets me attention too, which I guess is also what I’m after.
Indeed I wonder whether Perrin wants me to be good, or if he enjoys the challenges of having a ‘bad girl’. Perhaps if I was a good girl too it would be less fun for him (not that there’s any danger of me ever perfecting the role).
Am I a bad girl or a good one? I like being the good girl, I do, I love the praise that comes with it and the feeling of having given myself freely. But sometimes my doubts and insecurities push me into being bad, sometimes it’s a relief to rail against the inevitable submission.
I struggle to understand myself here, so I’m hoping that Perrin and I can find some time to try some role plays soon to help us explore these two sides of submission and understand a little better.