Recently the topic of polyamory and sex with others seems to have become a hot topic, so here’s my take on it.
Perrin and I are open to the idea of play with other people. In reality though it’s not as simple as having sex with anybody you meet.
I guess the first point is that our relationship is strong and happy, sexually and platonically. I think it’s something which we feel free to indulge in now, when our own relationship can withstand any difficult moments. That relationship though comes first and that means a number of things.
It means that we share our fantasies, and our adventures. We discuss and enjoy the possibilities together even when the topic may be one of us having sex apart. There are no secrets. We’re honest about our feelings.
We set ground rules together, both general and specific and we stick to them (or explicitly agree to change them).
We each have a veto on any activity at any time. I’m only human, some days I’m happy (or even eager) to share, on others I need to pull back and demand my husband’s exclusive attention. Knowing that I’ll get it when I need it certainly enables me to share more easily. Knowing too that pangs of jealousy can be discussed, and soothed or respected as necessary is also important.
We’re choosy. We both have to feel comfortable with what we do and with whom. For me, there needs to be sexual chemistry, but also emotional and intellectual connection of some degree. Any partner has to be someone we’re both comfortable with. As I’ve explained, this isn’t an on off switch though. The rules can be complicated and changeable over time.
This sounds very selfish, and maybe it is, but first and foremost it protects our marriage which quite honestly is more important than casual sex with anybody no matter how desirable.
The best bit though, is that this framework means that we can play with others and enjoy it fully.
And really the buzz of your spouse helping you get ready to meet a lover is like nothing else. Not to mention the reaction when you get home.