So there Perrin and I are, in the bath, relaxing and talking, and I make some comment asking how he sees me as a submissive.
“And you give me a lot of back chat.”
I laughed, and made some suitably cheeky rejoinder, but I was hiding startlement, and hurt.
I’ve not thought of myself as disobedient. On the contrary, I make a point of not disobeying a direct order. Admittedly I’ve bent a couple rather far, but there was a genuine struggle to obey there, and I still didn’t actually break them. So it was rather a shock, and unpleasant to hear myself described that way.
I know what Perrin meant though. I’ll hesitate. Question him. Wait until he repeats it more sternly. Make a jokey comment. Then I’ll do what he asked, eventually. Naturally, I want to justify this behaviour; but quite honestly, he’s right. I’m being disobedient, and disrespectful, and it’s not good enough.
I’ve always said I’d have been useless in the army, because unquestioning obedience isn’t something I can do. Which does rather beg the question, why am I trying to develop a relationship which requires exactly that? Do I want to be truly obedient?
The answer by the way, is yes. I do. But it’s an answer that comes with that feeling in the pit of your stomach, when you know something is going to hurt very much but you’re going to have to do it anyway (I assume other people get that feeling, but maybe it’s just me). Perrin is my Master, by my choice, and I’ve chosen carefully. I trust him more than I trust myself. But still I’m frightened.
My hesitation is a measure of control, and an appearance of choice. It is a resistance to submission. To obey requires another letting go; not once, but again and again. I don’t know if I have the strength.
Perrin hasn’t punished my disobedience yet, and I hope I’m submissive enough to let him if he chose to, but I don’t want it to come to that. Partly (if I’m honest) because I’m a pampered slave girl, and he could so easily take my privileges away and I really wouldn’t enjoy that. Mostly though, I don’t want him to have to train me to do what should come naturally. This is something I have to give him, from myself. This is what I strive to be.
All I want, is next time I ask him how he sees me, is for him to say “Obedient” and “a good girl”.