Fantasy frustration is hot. Being made to wait for gratification for a few minutes or hours can be a lot of fun. The real thing sucks.
Currently we have a lot going on in real life. Perrin has a DIY project, which is really important, and I really want him to get it done, on top of other commitments I know he has. The problem is he’s being very single-minded about it. It’s only been a couple of days (sounds crazy I know), but he’s thinking about the DIY all the time, and that means not thinking or feeling sexy.
I know how my sexual response works. The more I get the more I want. Regular sex keeps me happy, sexy and kinky. I like how that feels. Maybe I’m addicted? Certainly I get a withdrawal response. To start with I get desperate to ‘get my fix’, but it’s a miserable feeling. Then I get increasingly withdrawn. After a week or so my body gives up, I no longer want sex, or more accurately; I actively don’t want it. I don’t want to be pulled back into the wanting stage, don’t want to be made vulnerable again. This reaction doesn’t fit well with submission, and this is usually the part where I rebel against everything, refusing to submit because I feel it’s become a one way deal.
Which brings us back to now. I tried tonight I really did. Perrin went off to take a bath, and after some internal debate I decided to go for the climbing in with him approach. We talked about DIY! He did shave my pussy, which I thought a hopeful sign, but then went off and looked at the web (for stuff we need for our project), and came to bed saying “I’m not thinking sexy thoughts I’m thinking DIY thoughts”. At least that’s honest!
So now I’ve woken up in the middle of the night, and I really want to wake him up and beg for sex. He’s already said though, that my waking him up in the night (and having sex) stops him getting up when the alarm goes off. Since that means he then doesn’t make my packed lunch for work or make me coffee (I’m a lucky girl), he’s not being totally selfish either.
Still my submissiveness means I can’t wake him up (he used that dominant tone when he told me, I wish he hadn’t). I can’t even masturbate, because a) it would disturb him, b) I’d find it impossible with him asleep beside me and c) too many years of being ordered not to (even though that rule no longer applies) has left me almost incapable!
So here I am, frustrated and miserable. Blogging for something to do, and knowing that when the alarm goes off and I have to get up for work I’ll be exhausted.
I keep telling myself I’ll get over it in a week, and praying Perrin doesn’t let me.
Just to add that Perrin didn’t let me. Since then too, he’s managed to do DIY and be sexy!