This is the ‘after’ part of the previous post.
I went upstairs and sought reassurance from Perrin. Asking him what I got in exchange for trusting him? It wasn’t the real question. He asked me if I was frightened, and I realised that I was. The question I was asking was simply, what protection did I have against him abusing my trust.
His answer was beautiful, “You have my heart, always”.
So simple, the truth. This relationship, our marriage, so precious to both of us. He wants no more to damage it than I do. That love ensures what I already knew; that his power is used for good. Pain used only to bring pleasure.
We discussed my limits together, in the light of this security, and he asked me which ones I was prepared to give up.
I asked which ones he wanted.
“All of them”.
That moment when the ground drops away, and your heart stops. Could I? Honestly, I don’t know if I could obey if he pushed those limits, but I can agree to try. In truth, can any human being ever truly promise more than to try?
So I surrendered. “Take all of them” I said.
We kissed. We made love. A master and his slave girl. Control surrendered and replaced with trust.
I feel happy, ecstatic, at peace. This feels right. The decision made, sits easily on my shoulders.
I was afraid I would feel powerless, unable to function. Unable to make my own decisions, where I must. Afraid that feeling helpless would make me afraid to live my life.
Today, I feel none of that. Today I feel strong, powerful, complete. Able to be who I truly am, and trust in Perrin’s hand to guide me.
Today nothing has changed.
Today everything has changed.