I wrote this at 5am this morning and it is already out of date, but Perrin asked me to post it anyway. This is the ‘before’ part of my thoughts.
I’m very aware at the moment that I have a set of ‘hard limits’ which delineate Perrin’s control over me.
One set is sexual/kink related of course. Mostly those overlap with Perrin’s preferences, but I have a few additional restrictions. I’m well aware how easily I could be persuaded to ‘stretch’ those, if not drop them altogether; however they do consist of things which quite honestly I don’t think I can handle either mentally or physically at the moment.
The other set is areas of ‘real world’ things which I don’t want to change, or that I don’t think I could handle not being in control of. These are limits which I’m quite protective of, partly simply for myself, and partly because I want to protect Perrin from doing something which would hurt me and therefore damage my trust in him.
In a conversation yesterday he said he wanted to ‘replace my hard limits with trust’. It’s this which is fascinating me at the moment. To what extent am I responsible for my sanity or happiness. Would giving Perrin the power to destroy it be a bad thing. In many ways of course he has that already, even within my limits, the potential for damage is huge. Too, I believe he wants me to be happy and sane, if something is really important to me, why would he not give it to me?
Perhaps I believe that power is irresistible. If I tell him he can do something, surely he will have to try; even if that something will hurt me. “All power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely”.
Yet, I trust Perrin. I believe wholeheartedly that he wants what is best for me. Throughout our relationship he has helped me grow, strengthened me and brought me joy.
Is it not both parties in a relationship’s responsibility to prevent harm. Without the possibility of harm however, there is no trust.
But I am wondering. Does Perrin trust me? What do I get in exchange for giving my trust?
At this point I went upstairs to discuss these questions with Perrin.