When I agreed formally to submit to Perrin he warned me that I “would spend a lot of time standing in the corner”. Last weekend turned out to be an instance of this.
There are in my mind two sorts of commands. Orders, such as ‘kneel down’ which involve physical presence and get obeyed at once; and assignments which are remote or may be delayed.
Standing in the corner turned out to be a bit of a crossover. I’d been ordered to fetch my collar, and Perrin fastened it on me as I sat at his feet, and rested my head on his knees. It was lovely and comforting and safe.
“Go and stand in the corner” he ordered suddenly. I was up and across the room before I’d even started thinking.
I stood, my face to the wall. Listening as he moved round behind me, and then went into another room. At this point I started thinking hard. First of all, he’d left me fully dressed, which I suspected meant he intended me to stand there a while. My corner is draughty when naked! I wasn’t being punished, (if I had been, I’d also have expected to end up naked), so I clearly was supposed to get something else out of the experience.
So, I thought hard about it. What could I learn from this. I could walk away at any moment, nothing held me in the corner. So why was I still standing, gazing at a very boring bit of wall? As I repeated the question to myself, the answer came to me; obedience and patience, both things I find difficult at times. So I stood, and waited and waited (for about half an hour all told).
He came back, and stood behind me.
“Don’t speak a word” he insisted.
I’d considered silence in the corner to be a given, so clearly I wasn’t getting out yet. I concentrated on standing still and not speaking. His hands reached under my skirt and pulled my panties to the ground. Then his fingers reached in and probed my pussy, it was wet. I hadn’t realised how turned on I’d become just from standing there, obeying him.
Then he walked away again.
When he finally returned, he came and stood behind me once more. I breathed in his presence, desperately praying he’d release me. He spoke.
“Count slowly to one hundred and come upstairs”.
I did so.
This episode has certainly started me thinking seriously about my obedience to Perrin. Why do I obey? There is no outside force making me. I know deliberate disobedience would be punished, but I don’t obey him because I fear punishment. There is something inside me which strives to obey even (and perhaps especially) when it is difficult.
Today I completed a difficult (for me) assignment. Again I found myself considering, how easy it would be simply not to obey. I wondered if I was crazy not simply to say “No, I don’t want to”.
I know though that I have given up the right to simply say “no”. For my submission to be meaningful, it must be honest. What I have given up I must give fully. I would be hugely disappointed in myself if I did anything less.