The past month has been a very intense one for our relationship. While I think that was very necessary given the disconnection we have experienced, yesterday was the first time I considered that at some point we were going to have to dial things back a notch to leave more time to deal with ‘real world’ things.
As I considered that, I was overwhelmed with a feeling of panic and horror. I looked, as if from the outside, at our recent activities, at Perrin’s implacable demands, his sometimes harsh treatment of me, and of my eager acceptance of it all. I was suddenly aware of how vulnerable I truly was. I felt as if I was on the edge of a huge chasm of madness and pain, brought there by my Master, with only his arms to prevent me falling, and yet knowing he could so easily push me over the edge.
In previous times, I have had this feeling, and I have run away. Denying my submission and refusing to engage any further in it. The result is hurt and pain all round, and yet inevitably in time the cycle has repeated.
This year though, I have made myself a resolution (and I never make New Year’s resolutions), that I will not lie to myself and deny that I am submissive. Mastered or not, I will be honest about myself to myself. Facing that, I knew I could not run away this time. Instead I went to Perrin and told him I was frightened. His reassurance was warm and loving, and gave me the confidence I need to stand firm.
I have learned two things, one, that I am brave enough not to run from myself, and two, that I trust Perrin enough not to run from him. Those are things I want to remember.